tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75953664234169669032024-02-20T05:42:06.490-05:00The Borderline Personality Disorder Journey of a BloggerMy name is Amy L. Allison and my aim is to share what it is like to have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It is a very misunderstood problem, and people often do not seek diagnosis or treatment. BPD affects 4-6% of the population. It's up to the Borderline themselves to moderate their recovery. This is the blog of and by a recovering Borderline patient, and is part of the website: www.alawebpages.com/webquestbpd.
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-23870046621892135922020-10-12T17:28:00.000-04:002020-10-12T17:28:10.162-04:00Day #203 Since Midwest Quarantine<p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I am at a loss. The pandemic of Covid-19 is still raging. The political scene is preposterous. The tropical storms are multiplying. The California fires are destroying the Earth like never before. No rules are adhered to; little respect for the destructive virus that has killed over 215,000 Americans is portrayed; and there is little regard for our fellow man whose skin is darker than mine. NOTHING MAKES SENSE. <br /><br />Are we witnessing a prelude to End Times? I hope not. Suggestions of pushing the "pause" button can bring about inner change which may manifest into social upheaval in the short-term and possibly yield a New World Order. Ya think?<br /><br />I feel like a caged animal. I am tired of "Zoom" and "Skype" and "Face-time"...yet they are my only outlet for social contact, besides going to the local Meijer and shopping with other people who shuffle along and are numb with disbelief at the state of affairs of their changing lives, our democracy and the world in which we live.<br /><br />Sometimes I do not think that I can go on ONE MORE DAY. But then I always do. Walking over 500 miles in the last 203 days and online Zumba classes have been my salvation. Carry-out food from a couple of "trust-worthy" restaurants is a real treat. I go to the grocery just to feel productive. I clamor for a drive which sometimes takes us through our boarded-up downtown-- a reminder of the protests just a couple of months ago on racial injustice due to the senseless murders of black men and women. Possibly, a drive out-of-town would transport me to a world that is void of the "new normal" which cloak my days. It never does. <br /><br />It's the same wherever I go: in the car, on my computer, and in my head as I try to sleep at night--hoping to find it different somewhere, <i>anywhere.</i> I witness the resigned expressions on faces of my friends on a computer screen, and question whether they are going through the same mental struggles as I am. I don't know. Maybe I should ask them.<br /><br />Some people are <i>thriving.</i> That is what they have told me. I can think of 2. The rest of us? Are we merely surviving? What a way to live. Yet, we must turn "this" around...but how? Sometimes, I think it would be so nice to wake up and find that all of this turmoil has vanished. Magical thinking. It is going to be a slow, arduous process. I pray to a God for relief. I promise to do my part. I am turning inward and outward for answers, and I am met with a dismissive silence.<br /><br />There's always "Grey's Anatomy" on Netflix and Hallmark Christmas movies coming up in a couple of weeks. Yay. Thanks for letting me rant.</span></p>The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-88435559207947899962020-05-18T14:34:00.001-04:002020-05-18T14:34:36.742-04:00What's Going On? Shaking Up the World<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am finally able to post to this blog after a raging pandemic called Covid-19 or Coronavirus has been notably in circulation and finally made public in March 2020. Where I am in the Midwest, we have been on a semi-lockdown since March 20th. The virus is highly contagious, and by having society stay in their homes, the spread of the virus should have been greatly reduced. It wasn't. You can't control a society's comings and goings. People will do what they will do. <br /><br />At the time of my writing of this entry, there have been 90,000 deaths in the United States and 314,000 deaths worldwide. What a fix we are in. The President of the U.S. has caused anxiety in millions. There is not a vaccine in sight. The only ones who can change the direction of this pandemic are us as individuals. The health professionals are extremely worried about not being able to contain the virus. Some of those in power in the U.S. are worried about the economy, and are loosening the restrictions that society has been under for about 8 weeks. People keep dying. Unemployment is at 25%. Food Banks are straining under the needs of unemployed families. There have been a couple of economic stimulus packages that have been enacted to lessen the financial burden to many, but that is not enough. Seniors in high school and college did not get a graduation this year. People are hoarding groceries and toilet paper. People are getting clinically depressed. Addiction to substances is on the rise.<br /><br />In early May, the task of re-opening the locked-down economy started with a lot of trepidation. The federal governments send mixed signals. Decisions were having to be made by each state's governor, yet Mayors often overrode the governor's decisions. Who do we trust? Who do we listen to? Emotional security is at an all-time low. I am afraid of the invisible and unknown. My life does not resemble itself any longer. I pray to a God whom I am not sure can hear me. </span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-19638921758466370012019-02-22T12:00:00.001-05:002019-02-22T12:00:55.084-05:00A Good, Coasting Lull<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The last six months have been very informative, self-introspective and body-strengthening for myself. twelve hours per week at the gym. Many supplements ingested per day. Meditating and yoga. Zumba. Staying active. Staying calm. Even in adversity. This is all promoting wellness and wholeness within my being. I am speaking my truth. I am standing my ground. I am saying "no" more often than not. My determination to stay free of disease, and to stay away from of "dis-ease" are of paramount importance to me. They are my priority. It appears to be serving me well. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I turned 65 this month. What a milestone! How did I get here? Answer: "One healthy day-at-a-time". I am blessed. I am helping others to achieve good mental health as well. My days are busy. My life is full. I have for the most part rid my life of toxic people who did not validate me. I have had enough of being an invalid of invalidation.<br /><br />I published the eBook of "Destiny of Detours" in October 31, 2018. I published the print copy of the same book on November 1, 2017. I am due to speak to a consortium of therapists on March 20, 2020 about the topic of Borderline Personality Disorder in a 5-hour presentation. I am enjoying pulling this much-needed and highly informative discussion together. I have a year to do this. Ordering information is at the following link:<br /><a href="http://bit.ly/2zUlhkW" style="font-family: Arial; text-align: -webkit-left;">http://bit.ly/2zUlhkW</a> for both the print/ebook versions.<br /><br />Life is good. My mood is good. I have a purpose. I am still searching for parts of my Higher Purpose. Amen.</div>
</span>The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-16750247744527064692018-07-06T16:47:00.002-04:002018-07-06T16:48:34.136-04:00When Did the Simplicity of the Andy Griffith Show Vanish?<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I will go to any lengths to recreate a world of calm and assured relaxation for myself. I stumbled on the idea of renting the series "The Andy Griffith Show", which was a favorite of mine from 1960 to 1968. I started with the first season. No matter how stressed or chaotic may day was....I could relax with an episode (or 2) of Andy, Opie, Aunt Bea and Barnie. No loud-mouthed political chest-beaters on this show! Lessons about Life and how to deal with its ups and downs were the main focus of the show. It was an easy time....back then in general for a lot of people. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
During the time that "Andy Griffith" aired, I was 6-14 years old and dealing with a tumultuous home life, rampant with alcoholism and out of control emotions. However, half an hour spent in viewing this TV show both then and now, have a very calming effect on my mental state and overall outlook.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
A dose of "Andy" is like a shot in the arm of the "feel-good" endorphins such as seratonin, dopamine and norepinephrine (spelling?). We all could use more of this and less of "Criminal Minds" and other short-effect (yet well-written) shows that populate our TV screens.<br />
<br />
Several years ago, I actually rented and watched all the episodes of "The Waltons" (the 1970's) and "The Donna Reed Show" (the 1960's). Very soothing with a lot of nostalgic portrayals of life when it was 'a bit simpler'.<br />
<br />
Take me back to then.</div>
</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-68286401715113522182018-04-20T08:56:00.000-04:002018-04-20T08:57:55.700-04:00Borderline Binge<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is Day 16 of a tumultuous 16 day spree of chaos, pain and angst.</span><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">My brother decided to move our mother out to
California in early January 2018, and I wasn’t even told that this was going to take place. How I
found out was by a mutual acquaintance while dining out on Thursday night in mid-February. What an absolute shock that my family would
do this to me! Mom and I talked a few
times by phone….me crying and begging her not to go. She said that my brother was pressuring her to come
out. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">I went over
to her retirement home the night before she moved and we had a nice talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went over the next day to help with the
move since my brother was delayed on a business trip and wouldn’t get there until
later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My boyfriend of 15 years wanted to go over and say
good-bye to Mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when my brother arrived
at her home, with hate in his eyes and voice her said, “absolutely not!---
your boyfriend is not to come here today!” Can you imagine that? I stayed the entire 8
hours, helping where I could.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">I called Mom
on the 3rd of April to reiterate my sadness and frustration that she moved and
I was even told.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother and brother COULD HAVE
AT LEAST TOLD my boyfriend (life partner), who could have related it to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they didn’t choose that route.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That conversation escalated to my crying and
wailing. I explained to her that THIS was what Borderline looked like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was hurt beyond belief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said weakly that “We were going
to tell you at some point.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When? I asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was already 2 weeks before the moving date
when I found out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">The next day
April 4th, my brother sent me a highly inflammatory email saying that I had<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>1) caused a lot of pain in Mom<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2) she was finally getting some happiness
after the 5 years of drama that I had dragged her thru after her husband's death!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>3) My brother then told me that he had blocked my
phone Number from Mom’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not
call her<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>4) all mail was to go thru him
first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I HAVE BEEN TOTALLY CUT OFF
FROM MY MOTHER.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">All hell
broke loose on April 4th.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My boyfriend had to
call 911 and the police and an ambulance arrived here at the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was cutting my right arm repeatedly in a
blind rage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They took my to Community
North Psych Pavilion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stayed inpatient
for 4 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>MOM CALLED MY BOYFRIEND to find out
how I was on the night of April 3rd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> My brother's</span> email to me on the 4th said that Mom was highly irritated that I had
drawn her into some of my drama AGAIN, and that I was cut off from her by phone and mail..... and she
agreed to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, Mom and my boyfriend kept
communicating by phone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That doesn’t
sound right to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Last
weekend, April 14th, I contact my brother by text by text.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He was hateful in his words to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He, his wife and Mom were headed to see my niece and her boyfriend,
and John didn’t want anything to upset that weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(He and his daughter are estranged).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>John also said “and tell stupid boyfriend to stop with all the stupid phone
calls to Mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These phone calls are
really pissing her off!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am blown
away!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like my brother is trying to cement in the wedge that is already between my mother and I. I need
my mother.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">John told me
Sunday night in a text that he would call on Tuesday April 17th. He would be in
D.C.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said that we needed to
straighten things out so I could talk to mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I texted him 3 time when 8:00pm rolled around last night and there was
not phone call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He does things of this
nature all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Says he’ll doing
something, then flake out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">He has all
the control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so hurt and crushed that they made
plans to move her and I was making plans to try once again to improve my
relationship with Mom and recover some lost time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">I am
despondent. I am totally cut off from my
family. This Borderline is killing me as I repeatedly just want out of the pain. I am self-destructing. I hide my scars and bruises from everyone. They do not know the pain that accompanies me daily. There is no hope. I WILL DIE FROM THIS. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-12016722603159195252018-03-04T18:19:00.000-05:002018-03-04T18:19:49.852-05:00A Blow I Didn't See Coming<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was a dark and stormy night. No. Let me start again. My cardiologist emphasized that I needed to drastically reduce my stress this past December. I had to put some toxic people on the back burner, and that included my brother and mother. My mother lived 4.5 miles from me. Long story short, after a visit to my brother's on the west coast at Christmas, they decided to move my mother out there to be with him. I was not even told of their plans. I found out in passing from an acquaintance of my mother's. <br /><br />I had 2 weeks of scrambling to adjust to this new situation before the movers came. I saw her once, wrote 2 letters and took them to her living facility, and initiated 3 phone calls. She and I were able to sit down and talk for 2 hours the night before she left. She said that she made a lot of mistakes by not being supportive of me when I was growing up. She was very adversarial, and complained to anyone who would listen about how her daughter was such a disappointment to her. She threw me under the bus whenever she could. At 64, and a lifetime of the thousands of paper-cuts to my soul, I feel nothing at this point.<br /><br />Now she thinks that a "new relationship" will be formed once she is settled 2,300 miles away. My brother arrived on moving day, acting very distant towards me. After we had spent 7 strained hours together, with moments of weak connections between us, I left their company. But before I did, I broke down crying....not for my mother leaving, but because I will never, ever have the relationship I needed and deserved from a mother. All the love, smiles, and nurturing went to my younger brother. <br /><br />He texted me pictures of the two on them on the airplane, then in the limousine as they traveled to his home. There has been a hole ripped in my soul. The "golden-haired" son is with my mother, and the daughter-from-hell has been kicked to the curb. They don't want to understand Borderline. They don't even recognize that I am 28 years sober from alcoholism, and no one has asked about my heart health. Not once. Ever. <br /><br />This is bitter to swallow. I want to cut myself and stick ice-picks in my eyeballs. Welcome to a Borderline as she tries to make sense of her disappointing world. Life isn't fair. My life is a prison term of my thoughts, my emotions, and my trampled self-esteem. I have been in Borderline recovery since 2004. Don't let the stories mislead you....one can never get past the damaging effects of Borderline. </span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-15929283248739402462017-12-09T13:56:00.001-05:002017-12-09T13:57:45.368-05:00Borderline Reaction...of Course<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.524px;">I had a PULS Cardiac Test. It is a very new test that measures the risk of a cardiac event. It measures proteins, other markers, lifestyle, and considers weight, glucose/insulin readings, smoking drinking etc. I have a "heart-age" of someone in their 80's! I was devastated. My doctor was frustrated because there was nothing that I needed to discontinue in my life, or anything that I wasn't doing that I should be doing. Good Diet, continual exercise, no smoking/drugs/alcohol...all the right things...except managing my stress. It's a killer. It's killing me.<br /><br />During the next eight days after finding out this news (which was the Tuesday after Thanksgiving), I had a week from hell. My emotions were off the Richter scale. I could not reel myself in. I wanted to drink and to cut myself, but being 28+ years sober, and 14 years+ in Borderline recovery put the damper on those outlets. Have you ever wanted to self-destruct because you were in so much pain, but the pain of following the impulses was just a tiny bit more uncomfortable than than the pain of enduring what was doing on? This was one of those times. The discomfort of indecision added to my erratic behavior. Now, I cannot comfort myself with sweets, since I have struggled to pull myself out of being diabetic to pre-diabetic to being in the normal range for sugar/insulin/glucose. I've worked too hard to get here. Picture main-lining Skittles. That is how I could saturate my body with sweets and get a temporary fix.<br /><br />Then I started taking yoga 3x per week. Doing so has helped my mood, cravings and angst. I also take a Y-C Cleanse for the sugar cravings. (Too much yeast/candida in my body). So maybe this test's results were a wake-up call. I don't know. I DO KNOW that I have changed some more things in my life to get through this rough patch. I plan to put these changes into "forever" behaviors. I am trying to rid my body of the toxins that are diminishing my health. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.524px;">I am overdosing on Hallmark Christmas movies to help with my gratitude for my life as it improves. It's a lot of hard work. I will not let this disorder beat me.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black; color: red; font-size: large;">HAPPY HOLIDAYS !!</span></span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-51253005558126518532017-11-13T14:14:00.000-05:002017-11-13T14:26:30.587-05:00BPD is Still a Part of Me<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hello, this is a wintry, cold afternoon in the Midwest. A long interlude has transpired since I last posted. Life happens. Sometimes not so good. But some very good things, too. I published my second book, "</span><a href="http://bit.ly/2gNAxMK" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Destiny of Detours</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">" on October 31, 2017.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am trying to keep my spirits up. It's that time of year that can often get me, addicts, Borderlines, or anyone into a funk. This year....I am doing EVERYTHING to keep that from happening. Maybe it's overkill....but it cannot hurt. I try to stay busy. I have been involved in the planning committee for an Al-Anon workshop in on SELF-CARE. Planning took place over 4 months, and the workshop was held the last weekend of October. It was a fund-raiser, and we raised about $1,000 bucks for Information Services (Literature). YAY us!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am going to AA and Al-Anon meetings. I am meeting with sponsees and working the 12 steps of recovery with them. I hold a weekly meditation group in my home and have since March 2015. I workout at a gym 6-days a week, yet sadly I do not have a body like Miss America--but it helps the heart and arthritis and stamina. I adhere to a diet that my doctor has been adamant about me staying on. No sugar. No wheat. No gluten. That just about takes all the fun out of my eating ANYTHING I get pleasure in. This has been extremely difficult for me. However, I border on being diabetic....and have successfully worked myself out of the danger-zone into barely having Type II diabetes.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am taking a workshop in "<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Child-Within-Discovery-Dysfunctional-ebook/dp/B004FN1S7W">Healing the Child Within</a>." It can be gut-wrenching.....digging out all those old skeletons encountered at a young age. I try, REALLY TRY to use the DBT Skills I learned in 2004-6 in managing my Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't do things perfectly, and I sometimes relapse in my behavior. It is an insidious disorder. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. (But in being honest, I might. It would serve them right). </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I continue to work on the <a href="http://www.alawebpages.com/webquestbpd">Webquest</a> I designed, uploaded and maintain on Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a huge site, and very complete. I try to stay up on the latest information and books published on this disorder. "<a href="https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/i-hate-you-dont-leave-me-jerold-jay-kreisman/1101075532#/">I Hate You, Don't Leave Me</a>" is an excellent introductory book for those who are new to this personality disorder phenomena.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
All in all....I am probably doing better than I have in a long, long time. I have attended life-saving Al-Anon meetings for over 6.5 years. This has saved my life and my sanity.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am blessed and grateful today.</div>
</span>The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-84060806191643383332016-06-29T20:12:00.001-04:002016-06-29T20:12:43.083-04:00Why Me? Why This? Invalidation Kills<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It has been a horrible day of misunderstandings. I am excluded from a day-trip because my significant other could not allow me to take care of myself, and try to pull myself out of a mood....that was exacerbated by this person. I was just expected to "pull myself together" and <i>fly right</i>. Borderline doesn't work that way. It takes time to return to base level. He has mental illness. Do I tell him to "just get over it?" No, I don't. I have withdrawn. I don't know how long I will stay beyond reach. I feel that I am trapped. I cannot get out because I can't financially qualify for places on my own. What a hard spot to be in! I am not happy. I want to be invisible.</span>The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-56594170425160554982016-06-28T14:39:00.003-04:002016-06-28T14:46:48.784-04:00Summer BPD Funk<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> It's June 28, 2016. It has been a pretty good summer so far. I still struggle. Maybe I'm not doing these Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills correctly. I know them like the back of my hand. I have been involved with them since early 2004. I am 27 years sober from alcoholism. I still struggle.<br /><br /> What people don't seem to realize is that a Borderline's defense mechanisms are hard-wired in our systems. The Skills teach us how to "unlearn" these behaviors that enabled us to survive our childhood traumas. <i>However, the irrational thoughts and unfounded emotions stem from somewhere in us/me. </i>I cannot seem to keep them from coming to light in thoughts, dreams, and ruminations. One slightly-off remark from a significant person can send me into a mental tail-spin of negative musings, self-deprecating thoughts, and conclusions to unfounded and mis-construed stories that may be quite far from the reality of a situation. It is all so very exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I am doomed to this continuous spiraling and fragmented mish-mash of angst. It never gets me anywhere but in the doldrums. Why? <i>Why me?</i><br /><br /> At 62 years of age, I have managed to be part of some uplifting events that gave me glimmers of hope. I wrote a book for Borderlines who also might have addictions. The book is a 366-day meditation book of daily snippets of some tools to help get through our daily lives. Here is a link to where you can view and/or purchase. </span><a href="http://bit.ly/oS227n" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px;"><span style="background-color: cyan; color: black;">http://bit.ly/oS227n</span></a><span style="color: #cfe2f3;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">Another happening of note: I was flown to New York to tape a segment on Borderline Personality Disorder by the "Second Opinion" show of PBS. I was interviewed by two doctors--a doctor with a general practice, a psychiatrist and a host. It was a wonderful opportunity to spread the word about </span><i style="color: #cfe2f3;">what</i><span style="color: #cfe2f3;"> Borderline is, and </span><i style="color: #cfe2f3;">what </i><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">can be done to treat it. This was a wonderful experience for me. This episode will be placed on my website when I receive it from the "Second Opinion" producer, probably October 2016. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;"> My website about this BPD disorder is at the following URL:</span><br /><a href="http://www.alawebpages.com/webquestbpd"><span style="background-color: cyan; color: black;">www.alawebpages.com/webquestbpd</span></a><span style="color: #cfe2f3;"> It was started in May 2009. It is full of information about this disorder. I understand the disorder. I know what it has done to my life. I know how it feels on the inside of my mind. I try my hardest to rise above the pitfalls of where my mind can go, harbor thoughts that lead to discontent, and at times prompt actions that are not in my best interest, or anyone else's, for that matter.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> I constantly struggle with finding a purpose in my life, often using other recovering peers as my yardstick...which gets me nowhere fast. I have a good support system, yet they are people in 12-Step programs, but are not Borderlines with 12 years of recovery as well. I cannot find someone <i>just like me</i> to share with and learn from. No role model, just as I had no role models when I was growing up. Just a family of highly-dysfunctional people with mental illness and addiction....and choosing to do nothing about it. I am in a funk. This too shall pass.</span>The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-71191198272516147222015-03-30T13:27:00.001-04:002015-03-30T13:44:12.782-04:00Me Thinks Spring Is Coming to the Midwest !!!!<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The warmer weather is trying to come and stay! The weather affects my mood, and I need a lot of sunshine to give me a positive disposition! I am trying to stay steady. I go to my counseling sessions, go to my meetings, I meditate, I do service work. I try to give back to those who are struggling in their journeys that are similar to mine. </span>The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-88311562907497690592015-03-03T13:32:00.000-05:002015-03-30T13:49:57.118-04:00Another Re-Birth (16 Months of Re-Building)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's been since October 13, 2013 since I have posted. A lifetime ago. As I refer back to my personal journal, I remembered I was almost hospitalized on 10-16-13, three days later. My mother had become so frightfully hateful, and let my significant other know how much she absolutely hated me. I had to consult my circle of confidants and spiritual advisers as to how to handle a very volatile situation. The unanimous conclusion: I needed to take a hiatus from my mother. She was emotionally and mentally killing me, and therapy and Al-Anon could not right the situation as quickly as she was unraveling it. So, until Oct. 9, 2014, I did not interact with her. She was mad about that, and sent letters of hate to me.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My family could not and would not understand. I was shunned again by those whom I cared about in my biological family. My mother's chastisements were a lot more stronger than my actions "of taking care of myself." I survived. So did she.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In that year I kept on with my therapy, practicing my behavioral DBT Skills, going to my beloved Al-Anon meetings, reading, my meditations, meditating, working the 12-Steps of Recovery. In that year good things happened. We bought and renovated an older home within two blocks of where we had lived for 10 years. That consumed May through December of 2014; no Christmas tree was put up that year. We put all new everything inside this home, and we began to enjoy it. We visited my brother twice 2,300 miles away. I handled difficult situations better. I made myself more available to friends and family. I started enjoying things more. I delved into more computer work and website construction, and have realized that I need to do more writing. I guess you could say I got a new lease on Life...but it took the Darkness Before the Dawn.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Midwest has had a somewhat grueling winter, but it is my home. It is where I was born, and where I will die. I love the seasons and the rhythm of Life. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
</div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0United States39.639537564366712 -86.132812526.718154064366715 -106.7871095 52.56092106436671 -65.4785155tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-10902883185519395202013-10-15T15:20:00.002-04:002015-03-03T19:36:00.890-05:00Fall of the House of Usher<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is the time of falling leaves. I hate Fall. Usually. But Fall means new birth and growth in the Spring (if we survive the holidays).</span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have a stepson who is hell-bent on killing himself with drugs and alcohol. I have a mother with dementia who is railing at me and anyone else who'll listen to her railing about me. Al-Anon is telling me to sever ties with my family. I am Power of Attorney and manage the family fortune through a financial powerhouse.</span></div>
</div>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
I am struggling. I have made a weak attempt at suicide yesterday. I didn't care if I died or not. I hate this Borderline. I hate what it does to your Soul. Right now I have a God-less Soul.</div>
</div>
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is no joy in Life. This has got to end. I must find a way. No hope.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0Midwest29.840643899834411 -87.18754.3186093998344113 -128.496094 55.362678399834408 -45.878906tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-60936200337815687842013-07-04T12:36:00.001-04:002015-03-03T16:18:09.878-05:00Another Year Other Tears Still Using DBT Skills<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is the Fourth of July, and have the fireworks in my life been set off with frequency. Thank God, I have not been lighting the fuses! From the prior 19 months, I have finally beat my body up with stress and overwork on legal and personal matters.....I have worked myself in Adrenal Fatigue. But, a new doctor in my life has put me on a diet that I have faithfully followed. I have lost 23 pounds to date; but not without a struggle. No sugar, no foods with flour.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span></span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">I have struggled so as all of my "comfort foods" have been removed from my life. It reminds me of when I quit drinking on 8-21-1989. The withdrawal has been so severe, that I was put on a yeast cleanse. That seems to have helped. But the psychological end of this......! Sucks.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">It has been suggested to me that I serve on a Consumer Advisory Panel of the mental health provider who has taken care of me and my Borderline for the last 9 years. They want to promote my book AND print my story in the August newsletter. These are feel-good pats on the head, but the kudos do not deter my efforts in spreading the word about Borderline Personality Disorder and the dangers that exist if untreated.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">If you are a therapist, so you shy away from including Borderlines on your caseload? Yes, it is draining, and unrewarding. Aren't you in a "helping profession?" People like me need people like you.</span></span></div>
</span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-12268851804521880822012-12-18T09:26:00.002-05:002015-03-03T19:37:03.202-05:00It was a Difficult Year<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Good Morning and Season's Greeting! I am trying to end this year on an upbeat notes--this year has been the most gut-wrenching year I have lived through in over 5 decades. The death of a very mean step-father, my mother's adjustment, a lawsuit filed and won by my mother, dementia creeping into her life. Her privilege to drive was taken away by a governing body of professionals; her move to Assisted Living, and the preparation and emptying of her house in hopes of selling.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dealing with all of this as a recovering Borderline and recovering Alcoholic made it no more bearable. My mother's behavior was impossible to deal with. I have been in new territory this entire year. However, there have been Angels with skin on who have helped me all the way. Estate liquidators, contractors, painters, electricians, therapists, sponsors, close friends who have all travelled with journey with me and been supportive. My family, on the otherhand, was not. My brother flew out to visit my mother, and wouldn't even see or acknowledge his own sister. (me) The pain of the rejection is something that this Borderline found impossible to deal with. I have not participated in Christmas preparation, however I did do Christmas cards with a little note inside each about how we were doing.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to run. I want to hide. I want out. The pain is choking me. I keep going to DBT, AA and Al-Anon and meditating. I do not know what else to do. It is one hour at a time for me. If I can do it, you can too. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Merry Christmas!</span></div>
</div>
</div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-16611036403827729452012-08-15T14:15:00.000-04:002015-03-03T16:19:44.357-05:00Growth Spurt This Summer of 2012<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Good mid-August ! It's been hot, hot, hot in the Midwest. It has been so hot, the grass was yellow and dry....until we finally got some soaking rains...and the grass returned to green. I never thought it could after all the dry heat!</span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have made great strides in my recovery...with the help of Al-Anon. I am learning to set boundaries with my Borderline mother. Yep! Borderline CAN get worse with age if untreated, and still cause as much damage. Mix in a little dementia and then more tumultuous misunderstanding occurs. Is her behavior because of her age, or the Borderline behavior that you have lived with and adopted all your own life? Hmmmm. Dunno.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have said "no", and meant "no". NO explanations. No justifications. Instead of catering to her whims, I make life a little easier for me when taking care of her problems and dealing with her behavior.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh, and surrounding myself with affirming, recovering people. It has done wonders for me. I have come into more and more self-realization: I may be a Borderline, but I am using tools and skills that make my life easier, and relationships are getting easier for me.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Twleve-Step Recovery. Dual-diagnosis recovery. Borderline DBT. Meditation. They all are to be commended for what they have taught me about myself, Life, people, and becoming a better person.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As my sponsors say: "Yay Me!" It works if you work it.</span></div>
</div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-44830778451800168362012-06-04T16:10:00.000-04:002015-03-03T20:31:12.970-05:00Calm after the Storm <div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Good afternoon. Well, I have had about 3 weeks of quiet as the decision to the lawsuit to which I have been involved for four months (it has been in behalf of my mother). It was time to return to my life. In the recent seven months, I have been living much to much at the needs and whims of my mother. A 4th Step in AA, and much input from my Al-Anon sponsor has produced a "mindfully-written" letter to my mother explaining my needs: what I can and will not do in the future. I feel a load lifted off of me. </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span></div>
</div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-34170308550466380252012-04-24T12:53:00.001-04:002015-03-03T16:22:20.516-05:00It's a little bit me......<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #ead1dc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Good morning. It's a pretty day in the Midwest. I have been emotionally limping along...trying to put my best foot forward, not rage, be of service, and get thru this lawsuit. I still am amazed at the evil in mankind, and what people can do to each other....even in a family setting. </span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #ead1dc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #ead1dc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been attending Al-Anon now for a year. It has helped me trmendously. I have met some wonderful people, and am learning new behaviors. I am very grateful today for what I have, and what I have learned and experienced up to this point. It has kept me on an enlightened path of patience, tolerance and kindness to others.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #ead1dc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #ead1dc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I continue to marvel at the inroads and awareness given to Borderline Personality Disorder in recent years. It is not swept under the rug, nor whispered about behind closed doors. I have a new meditation book that was published in November 2011. It is now offered in two treatment centers in Indiana.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #ead1dc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #ead1dc; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am blessed. I want to continue growing spiritually. I have a lot of help. I call them angels. Blessings.</span></div>
</div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-42134556800556774952012-01-29T13:03:00.005-05:002015-03-03T19:34:18.799-05:00New Year's Struggles<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #fce5cd; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Happy New Year. I made it through the holidays....but with a lot of tears, angst and unhappiness. Continuing to grapple with an estate belonging to my newly-widowed, befuddled mother, and step-children chomping at the bit to make all sorts of difficulties for her. Greedy, self-righteous, pentecostal, religious hypocrites.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #fce5cd; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #fce5cd; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #fce5cd; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I struggle. It never seems to get easier. One foot in front of the other. Doing the next right thing. Letting go, and grabbing on for survival from self-destruction. Meetings, classes, meditation group, therapy. When will I ever graduate?</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #fce5cd; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #fce5cd; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I pray and meditate. Life shouldn't be such a struggle. And to have to admit to myself that I CHOSE this Life's path. Amen.</span></div>
</div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-43158605124950784352011-12-26T08:57:00.004-05:002015-03-03T16:24:18.549-05:00The Devil Walks to Earth, and I have Seen Evidence of him.<span style="background-color: black; color: #ead1dc; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hello. I have made it through the last 3+ weeks, with more stress than I have ever imagined possible. Mom's returned from her trip, and all the undoings of the mess her husband died and left her in....is almost in insurmountable nightmare. I had to get a lawyer. Blocked all phone calls from family. There is so much meanness, dishonesty, cruelty in my stepfather's family towards my mother that I never thought it was possible to come from people who profess themselves to be devout Christians. I am changing out all the players in the financial area who have contributed to this fiasco. They all appeared to be in clandestine collaboration. My mother is holding together by a thead. I am now her Power/Medical power of attorney, have access to everything, and make all final decisions for her. Not that she is incapacitated...because she does not have a business mind, nor does she remember things accurately. When she and her huband married, my Mother has 75% of the wealth. When her husband died, he had 85% of the wealth. Where did her money do? How did he acquire so much wealth as a retired person? We have uncovered so much lies, deceipt and shady transactions...all uknown to my mother. I feel God is testing me, and my abilities in recovery. So, I guess I am up to it. My life has been living, breathing, and working on this situation. I am eating and sleeping right, and meditating when I can. But, I have NEVER been through anythinglike this in my lifetime. Ever. I cried thru Christmas Eve service. I feel so much sadness for my family. I feel that the weight of the world is on me. This too shall pass. I need a lot of prayers.</span>The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-51397341087839174552011-12-02T08:57:00.004-05:002015-03-03T16:25:43.744-05:00Seasonal Sadness<div align="justify">
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Hello BPD Interested Persons. My topic today is about "seasonal sadness". Most of us are dealing with it whether we want to admit it or not. Expectations rule the season of cheer, giving, receiving, sharing, providing, and shaming. Why? It is a time when most families get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas--where maybe they have not the other times of the year. Family dynamics come into play. The roles of many years ago, while we were residing with our families of origin, re-surface, and we fall into these old roles like falling into a sodium pentothal haze right before surgery.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #9fc5e8; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
For me this year, well.....it was worse than that. My stepfather died at the beginning of November. He was a good man to my mother, but showed his disdain for me with my Borderline, emotional moments, rocky life, and battle with addiction (which ended 23 years ago when I got sober!) The verbal abuse I put up with and my mother allowed the last couple of years of his life were unforgiveable. The add insult to injury, he had spewed his poison onto his adult children, my age. In the few days before his death, and up to and during the day of his funeral, one adult child in particular displayed scenes in the hospital, at the funeral and at my mother's home: insulting her, shaming me, and nobody, I mean NOBODY, stopping it. Immeasurable damage had and occurred. I have never seen such un-Christian behavior from someone who calls herself to others "a Sister in Christ", and delivers such barbs of hurt in the next breath. And I as a Borderline, trying to keep it all together, keep my mother afloat, and taking care of immediate business. My brother has shut me out, my mother locked me out and I sit in my pain. I reach out to therapists, meditation group, sponsor, and 12-step meetings. I just want to make sure that I have not be part of the grave errors and mass destruction that occurred the month of November. Then I had 2 more funerals to attend two weeks later. That wasn't easy either. One was a drug/alcohol-related death. They're never easy to witness. "There but for the Grace of God go I. Amen"</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I am doing the best I can. I stayed sober. However, I did self-harm after amost 4 years of not falling into this behavior. I almost stuck a knife into myself. Sometimes, the Borderline trait of having no emotional skin and feeling like I am "covered with 3rd-degree burns" is too much to bear. Somehow, with the DBT skills, I will get through this, maybe even make the best of the holidays. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Why do things seem to fall apart at the end of the year? I am thankful that I have recovery tools to use to help me through. Tools that help me plant seeds of happiness; not tools to dig my own grave. More later.</div>
</span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-16402758887882048312011-09-25T19:34:00.005-04:002015-03-03T16:27:42.857-05:00Changing Seasons (Summer's Over) :-(<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #d9ead3; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #d9ead3; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hello again. It is definitely Fall in the Midwest. The weather is cooler, damper, rainy, dreary and the Colts are going to have a terrible season (more than likely). It is a time for change in a lot of things: heavier clothing, drab colors, and the upcoming HOLIDAYS. Who in their right mind thinks about the holidays this soon? <span style="font-size: 78%;">(I do) </span><span style="font-size: 100%;">I try to stay in the present, and not anticipate something that is a possible downer. </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #d9ead3; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 100%; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #d9ead3; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: 100%;">Staying busy is important. Staying productive and doing something worthwhile gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment. This is very important to me. I try to be creative. There is good in everything, and if I want it to be summer all the time...I should move to the tropics. Since that is not going to happen, I try to like what I have where I am.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #d9ead3; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #d9ead3; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: 100%;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 100%;">Taking care of my body and physical well-being is a must. It can be a time where the aches and pains flair up. Plenty of exercise, vitamins, and water. No junk food. It can be a time of relapsing if suffering from an addiction. Make sure that your recovery program is in good working order. Time to keep putting into our spiritual banks. This is the time of year when it is so easy to "overdraw" the account when you least expect it.</span></div>
</span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #d9ead3; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #d9ead3; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: 100%;">I will try to stay tuned more frequently as we get frost on the pumpkins!</span></div>
</span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-9794758742663789422011-08-08T15:07:00.004-04:002015-03-03T19:39:34.276-05:00Changes<div align="justify">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #fff2cc; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #fff2cc; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Changes are upon me. Life is fragile. Life is frail. 3 people in my life have been diagnosed with cancer. One is "cured"....two are unknown. Radiation and chemo are the treatments at the present. I myself was rushed to the hospital last week via ambulance. They thought I was having a heart attack. Two MRI's and a chest x-ray later...a hiatal hernia. I THOUGHT something was amiss. I have all the symptoms. And my pulse rate was only 40-43bpm. Taking too much Toprol. I felt like the quality of my life had really slipped to sub-zero. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #fff2cc; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">
</span></span></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">I am glad I am back on the road to better health. I am still at the gym 5 days per week, trying to staying limber and fit. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">My meditation book on addictions and Borderline Personality Disorder is completed. I am waiting for the 1st copy of it to come in the mail. I am excited. I have been working hard. It's been a very, VERY hot season this summer. I know that the winter will banish the memories of this scorching season. The economy is a mess, and some many people I know are going through personal problems right now. I pray for them that their discomfort eases up. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #fff2cc;">Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things to do on a daily basis. I know. </span></span></div>
</span>
</div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-13150558227892533312011-05-15T19:59:00.005-04:002015-03-03T19:39:15.238-05:00Unnerving<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #b4a7d6;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #b4a7d6; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems......" (from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous). I found out last week that my DBT instructor is leaving the company where I receive mental health services. Supposedly, they are going to replace him. But, that's what they said about the DBT therapist who retired last July 2010...and didn't. "People lie," says Dr. Gregory House from the TV series. Even non-Borderlines.<br /></span></div>
</div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #b4a7d6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
Also, am doing a 4th step this week in preparation of giving a 5th Step to my sponsor next Friday. This is also a bit unnerving as well. I went to a funeral Friday, and saw in-laws from over 20 years ago. THAT was a bit unnerving too, but it went well. I found out a few days ago that my (unknowing and unintentional) actions caused a breach of confidentiality. Boy, that realization was a bit humbling. I had to write a letter and apologize to the person involved.</div>
</div>
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #b4a7d6;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #b4a7d6;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #b4a7d6; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Life happens. We have choices. We make mistakes. We decide to recover from addictions. Or not. We look closely at ourselves to see where we have been wrong. I didn't drink, spaz-out, have a Borderline "moment" or cut myself. I seemed to take it all in stride. Thank the Lord we only are dealt the days of our lives "one day at a time." I couldn't handle all the trauma-drama at once.</span></div>
</div>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #b4a7d6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #b4a7d6; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #b4a7d6;">
</span><div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #b4a7d6;">Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully, it will be sane, sober and above ground.</span></div>
</div>
</span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7595366423416966903.post-82599509032691290212011-04-21T14:06:00.005-04:002015-03-03T16:55:46.569-05:00Emotional Hangover 4-21-11<div align="justify">
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: cyan; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Emotionally, I am hungover. The last 5 days have been emotional turmoil over dealing with the extended family. My therapist wants me to start attending Al-Anon. DBT Group, AA meeting, AA workshop, therapy, meditation group and now add Al-Anon. Sometimes, it just seems like I spend so many of my waking hours on self-improvement or maintenance of my spiritual condition. I'm still trying to get my meditation book published. My mother's birthday is tomorrow. Her husband is very dysfunctional. I cannot be around him any longer. A face-to-face with the 4 of us brought no positive results. Only a half-assed promise to mind his "p's" and "q's". He said I "didn't have a life". He told me I controlled his household. I did not feel good afterwards. He called the meeting to (I thought) make things better. They only solidified in my mind that he was a jerk, said inappropriate things to me and didn't care what problems he caused. He calls himself a religious person. I don't want any part of it.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: cyan; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
And the other side of the family: brutal words came from the mother of the grandchildren. No attempt to modify her actions, tone, affect or choice of words. I wanted to disappear in the floor. I just wanted it to be over. She actually extricated an "amends" from me for something I didn't do. I was only protecting myself by given her want she wanted. I hated myself afterwards, and have continued to feel like I was raped all week. It's hell if I do and hell if I don't. I have been suicidal. I have wanted to cut myself. I went to DBT group and therapy. I was told I needed to take better care of myself. That could mean stay away.</div>
</span></div>
The Journey of a Recovering Borderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01412721333603510190noreply@blogger.com0