Borderline Personality Disorder Recovery Quest

New Year's Struggles

2012-01-29T13:03:00.005-05:00

Happy New Year. I made it through the holidays....but with a lot of tears, angst and unhappiness. Continuing to grapple with an estate belonging to my newly-widowed, befuddled mother, and step-children chomping at the bit to make all sorts of difficulties for her. Greedy, self-righteous, pentecostal, religious hypocrites.

I struggle. It never seems to get easier. One foot in front of the other. Doing the next right thing. Letting go, and grabbing on for survival from self-destruction. Meetings, classes, meditation group, therapy. When will I ever graduate?

I pray and meditate. Life shouldn't be such a struggle. And to have to admit to myself that I CHOSE this Life's path. Amen.

The Devil Walks to Earth, and I have Seen Evidence of him.

2011-12-26T08:57:00.004-05:00

Hello. I have made it through the last 3+ weeks, with more stress than I have ever imagined possible. Mom's returned from her trip, and all the undoings of the mess her husband died and left her in....is almost in insurmountable nightmare. I had to get a lawyer. Blocked all phone calls from family. There is so much meanness, dishonesty, cruelty in my stepfather's family towards my mother that I never thought it was possible to come from people who profess themselves to be devout Christians. I am changing out all the players in the financial area who have contributed to this fiasco. They all appeared to be in clandestine collaboration. My mother is holding together by a thead. I am now her Power/Medical power of attorney, have access to everything, and make all final decisions for her. Not that she is incapacitated...because she does not have a business mind, nor does she remember things accurately. When she and her huband married, my Mother has 75% of the wealth. When her husband died, he had 85% of the wealth. Where did her money do? How did he acquire so much wealth as a retired person? We have uncovered so much lies, deceipt and shady transactions...all uknown to my mother. I feel God is testing me, and my abilities in recovery. So, I guess I am up to it. My life has been living, breathing, and working on this situation. I am eating and sleeping right, and meditating when I can. But, I have NEVER been through anythinglike this in my lifetime. Ever. I cried thru Christmas Eve service. I feel so much sadness for my family. I feel that the weight of the world is on me. This too shall pass. I need a lot of prayers.

Seasonal Sadness

2011-12-02T08:57:00.004-05:00

Hello BPD Interested Persons. My topic today is about "seasonal sadness". Most of us are dealing with it whether we want to admit it or not. Expectations rule the season of cheer, giving, receiving, sharing, providing, and shaming. Why? It is a time when most families get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas--where maybe they have not the other times of the year. Family dynamics come into play. The roles of many years ago, while we were residing with our families of origin, re-surface, and we fall into these old roles like falling into a sodium pentothal haze right before surgery.

For me this year, well.....it was worse than that. My stepfather died at the beginning of November. He was a good man to my mother, but showed his disdain for me with my Borderline, emotional moments, rocky life, and battle with addiction (which ended 23 years ago when I got sober!) The verbal abuse I put up with and my mother allowed the last couple of years of his life were unforgiveable. The add insult to injury, he had spewed his poison onto his adult children, my age. In the few days before his death, and up to and during the day of his funeral, one adult child in particular displayed scenes in the hospital, at the funeral and at my mother's home: insulting her, shaming me, and nobody, I mean NOBODY, stopping it. Immeasurable damage had and occurred. I have never seen such un-Christian behavior from someone who calls herself to others "a Sister in Christ", and delivers such barbs of hurt in the next breath. And I as a Borderline, trying to keep it all together, keep my mother afloat, and taking care of immediate business. My brother has shut me out, my mother locked me out and I sit in my pain. I reach out to therapists, meditation group, sponsor, and 12-step meetings. I just want to make sure that I have not be part of the grave errors and mass destruction that occurred the month of November. Then I had 2 more funerals to attend two weeks later. That wasn't easy either. One was a drug/alcohol-related death. They're never easy to witness. "There but for the Grace of God go I. Amen"

I am doing the best I can. I stayed sober. However, I did self-harm after amost 4 years of not falling into this behavior. I almost stuck a knife into myself. Sometimes, the Borderline trait of having no emotional skin and feeling like I am "covered with 3rd-degree burns" is too much to bear. Somehow, with the DBT skills, I will get through this, maybe even make the best of the holidays.

Why do things seem to fall apart at the end of the year? I am thankful that I have recovery tools to use to help me through. Tools that help me plant seeds of happiness; not tools to dig my own grave. More later.

Changing Seasons (Summer's Over) :-(

2011-09-25T19:34:00.005-04:00

Hello again. It is definitely Fall in the Midwest. The weather is cooler, damper, rainy, dreary and the Colts are going to have a terrible season (more than likely). It is a time for change in a lot of things: heavier clothing, drab colors, and the upcoming HOLIDAYS. Who in their right mind thinks about the holidays this soon? (I do) I try to stay in the present, and not anticipate something that is a possible downer.

Staying busy is important. Staying productive and doing something worthwhile gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment. This is very important to me. I try to be creative. There is good in everything, and if I want it to be summer all the time...I should move to the tropics. Since that is not going to happen, I try to like what I have where I am.

Taking care of my body and physical well-being is a must. It can be a time where the aches and pains flair up. Plenty of exercise, vitamins, and water. No junk food. It can be a time of relapsing if suffering from an addiction. Make sure that your recovery program is in good working order. Time to keep putting into our spiritual banks. This is the time of year when it is so easy to "overdraw" the account when you least expect it.

I will try to stay tuned more frequently as we get frost on the pumpkins!

Changes

2011-08-08T15:07:00.004-04:00

Changes are upon me. Life is fragile. Life is frail. 3 people in my life have been diagnosed with cancer. One is "cured"....two are unknown. Radiation and chemo are the treatments at the present. I myself was rushed to the hospital last week via ambulance. They thought I was having a heart attack. Two MRI's and a chest x-ray later...a hiatal hernia. I THOUGHT something was amiss. I have all the symptoms. And my pulse rate was only 40-43bpm. Taking too much Toprol. I felt like the quality of my life had really slipped to sub-zero.

I am glad I am back on the road to better health. I am still at the gym 5 days per week, trying to staying limber and fit.

My meditation book on addictions and Borderline Personality Disorder is completed. I am waiting for the 1st copy of it to come in the mail. I am excited. I have been working hard. It's been a very, VERY hot season this summer. I know that the winter will banish the memories of this scorching season. The economy is a mess, and some many people I know are going through personal problems right now. I pray for them that their discomfort eases up.

Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things to do on a daily basis. I know.

Unnerving

2011-05-15T19:59:00.005-04:00

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems......" (from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous). I found out last week that my DBT instructor is leaving the company where I receive mental health services. Supposedly, they are going to replace him. But, that's what they said about the DBT therapist who retired last July 2010...and didn't. "People lie," says Dr. Gregory House from the TV series. Even non-Borderlines.

Also, am doing a 4th step this week in preparation of giving a 5th Step to my sponsor next Friday. This is also a bit unnerving as well. I went to a funeral Friday, and saw in-laws from over 20 years ago. THAT was a bit unnerving too, but it went well. I found out a few days ago that my (unknowing and unintentional) actions caused a breach of confidentiality. Boy, that realization was a bit humbling. I had to write a letter and apologize to the person involved.

Life happens. We have choices. We make mistakes. We decide to recover from addictions. Or not. We look closely at ourselves to see where we have been wrong. I didn't drink, spaz-out, have a Borderline "moment" or cut myself. I seemed to take it all in stride. Thank the Lord we only are dealt the days of our lives "one day at a time." I couldn't handle all the trauma-drama at once.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully, it will be sane, sober and above ground.

Emotional Hangover 4-21-11

2011-04-21T14:06:00.005-04:00

Emotionally, I am hungover. The last 5 days have been emotional turmoil over dealing with the extended family. My therapist wants me to start attending Al-Anon. DBT Group, AA meeting, AA workshop, therapy, meditation group and now add Al-Anon. Sometimes, it just seems like I spend so many of my waking hours on self-improvement or maintenance of my spiritual condition. I'm still trying to get my meditation book published. My mother's birthday is tomorrow. Her husband is very dysfunctional. I cannot be around him any longer. A face-to-face with the 4 of us brought no positive results. Only a half-assed promise to mind his "p's" and "q's". He said I "didn't have a life". He told me I controlled his household. I did not feel good afterwards. He called the meeting to (I thought) make things better. They only solidified in my mind that he was a jerk, said inappropriate things to me and didn't care what problems he caused. He calls himself a religious person. I don't want any part of it.

And the other side of the family: brutal words came from the mother of the grandchildren. No attempt to modify her actions, tone, affect or choice of words. I wanted to disappear in the floor. I just wanted it to be over. She actually extricated an "amends" from me for something I didn't do. I was only protecting myself by given her want she wanted. I hated myself afterwards, and have continued to feel like I was raped all week. It's hell if I do and hell if I don't. I have been suicidal. I have wanted to cut myself. I went to DBT group and therapy. I was told I needed to take better care of myself. That could mean stay away.

Epi-Phany

2011-03-09T18:54:00.004-05:00

Hello and Good Evening. I had an epiphany today. Maybe God did not want me to help "further the economy" by working in the business world. Maybe that is not where I am to be effectively used. Climbing a corporate ladder, spiffing up my 401k, and helping a company's bottom line is not to be my concern any longer. But I got a Master's Degree --what OF that? So? Big deal. That counts for something. Somewhere. It has been rough to swallow that I am on Social Security Disability now--but it helps, and I have "earned" it.

Now I spend my days trying to find meaning. To do service work. To help others. To recover from everything that afflicts me. To carry the hope and message and my experience to those who still suffer. Hmm. It could be that my task for the remainder of my life is to help others on a more spiritual plane. To seek the truth about onesself, and how we got to where we are is a giant step in the evolving of our person, and mankind as a whole.

Sounds kinda cool. Then I DO count. I can share what I have learned, and help others that way. Sure, I will never know to what extent that I have made a difference...but it isn't really for us to know, is it? The One who knows is all whom is really concerned. We just do what we can, and try to help others help themselves. I will like what I have been given - even if it was not the original plan.

Borderline Awakening to March

2011-03-01T18:28:00.005-05:00

Good evening. Life has been kinda messy these last few months. Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you handle it. True! I take responsibility for my actions. I am starting with a new therapist. One retired, one went to a different job. Twice in 7 months. This is not easy for me. And, I am trying to get my health insurance change-over straightened out. Many, many hoops I've jumped thru. 'Way too many people not do their job as promised. I am holding on, however. I still meditate. I create art. I help people when I can, without co-dependent motives. I guess I'm doing ok. But what about my Borderline mother? She's aging, and not outgrown it and never sought treatment or therapy. She continues with her theatrics. I am so done with this. Adult children of alcoholics remain loyal to people, long after it is even deserved by them.

I listen to and stick with the winners. I try to not let my self-esteem suffer at the dysfunctional "others". I am a good person. I chose to get well. I will not let the sick ones pull me down with them. I will keep working the Skills of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I will try to be fulfilled and happy. I will keep working on my unknown purpose in this life. I am giving it all my best shot.

I look to the promise of Spring-time coming. I continue to amaze myself at my resiliency.

Depression

2011-01-10T18:51:00.003-05:00

I'm depressed. It is cold, dark and dreary. My mother is indifferent to the fact that her husband, my stepfather, verbally abuses me because of the upset to my mother that my emotional disorder disorder has brought to their marriage. My mother confirms: the older he gets, the more that he cannot hide his contempt for me. My therapist and sponsor and brother and significant other all tell me to stay away from their home. My mother does not seem to let this disrupt her life. I on the other hand, am depressed and withdrawn. I do not like to go out. I do not like to get out of bed in the mornings. The message LOUD AND CLEAR IS: "I am not okay. I am an undesirable. I can be verbally abused because I deserve this treatment." And no one knows this is going on. It is just like when I grew up....my mother did not acknowledge the terrible things my father did to me. I am damaged beyond belief and repair. I get little enjoyment out of my life. I am not worth very much. I want to cut and cause others to hurt as I have been made to hurt. This late in life, I just want it to be over now. And it never is. I have third-degree burns where I should have skin.

Post-Partum (Time to go)

2010-12-29T12:23:00.005-05:00

Good Afternoon! It is a few days after Christmas. Let me tell you about my holiday. You will then have appreciation for your own. I was driving around by myself on Christmas Eve....carrying a letter to give my family that set some boundaries. I had taken verbal abuse from a step-parent for several years now. I had four meltdowns in four days the weekend before Christmas. I could not take it any longer. Only I could change the situation from my perspective and by changing my actions.

I taped the letter to their front door. It said to my biological parent that if they wanted a relationship with me they would have to contact me. Since they have never learned email, and don't carry their cell phone with them...they have refused the 2 main methods that I primarily use to communicate. So, I did not hear from them on Christmas Day or since they received the letter. I guess a relationship with me on my terms is not something they wish to do. They wish me to keep coming over to their homestead and taking the abuse, and turning their heads the other way.

After all, I'm the one with the mental illness. It's all my fault....right?

'Tis the Season

2010-12-12T13:58:00.003-05:00

Hello and welcome to the holidays 2010 ! It has been a good year for the most part. I am still dedicated to my recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. I have taken care of my body, my spirit, my mind and my soul this year to the best of my ability.

I have read books to nourish my soul. Completed works that have envigorated me and kept my mind lively. I have been eating better, losing weight and taking care of my cardio-vascular system with exercise and supplements. I meditate daily. I learn new things, especially on the computer. I stay in constant contact with my Higher Power. I couldn't ask for a more "fit" year.

Sure there have been births, deaths, marriages and break-ups in my small world of people around me. But, I seem to have weathered them well. My therapist retired, but I got another and have an enriching relationship with her. I couldn't have asked and received a better year than 2010.

I hope that I can set an example to those around me, and that they too may find peace, joy, happiness and fulfillment in their daily lives. I am here today..healthy...and wishing to share what I have learned to benefit others. I will not push my ways upon others...only share with them if I am asked. I hope that they stay tuned into this website, and pass it on to carry the message to those who still suffer.

I look to a wonderful 2011, and hope and pray that I be brave in any storms that may come my way. Amen.

Writing a Book

2010-09-29T08:55:00.003-04:00

Hello, and good morning to all who are interested in Borderline Personality Disorder. I welcome your curiousity. I have not contributed to my blog the last couple of months, as I have been busy writing my first book! Yes, it's a meditation book for those who have an addiction along with Borderline Personality Disorder, and there are a lot of us that fit in that category.

I have finished the book, and it is in the editing process. I am waiting for permission from one person to use excerpts from one of their books in reference to some of the days' entries. I have made 366 entries, one for each day of the year. I am hoping to get it published one way or the other. I am making plans to submit it to a published house that accepts and published books on recovery and healing. I am working on it, and other related projects. It keeps me out of the doldrums.

When a Therapist Retires

2010-07-05T17:53:00.005-04:00

I am in a transition. My main support of six years has been gently unplugged and removed from my weekly therapy and affirmation. She retired. What can I say? She's earned it, worked for it and probably dreamed of it for weeks and months. I cannot begrudge her that. Nope. I just have had to re-frame my outlook. Her job/career involved dealing with my ups and downs, and now her responsibility in that area is over. I know she will have a wonderful life. I miss her opinions, affirmations, laughter and admonishments. She was tough on me, and she was relentless....but that is what I needed. I have an open mind with her replacement. Maybe I have just shut down a little. I stay very busy, and the 'ole "opposite to emotion action." "This too shall pass."

Bless you, and keep reading the website. Work the skills and whatever else keeps you calm, regulated, and sober.

Loss

2010-06-28T10:11:00.002-04:00

Today is my last therapy session with my therapist. She is retiring in two weeks. I am feeling a lot of grief and sadness, in mentalizing....I am feeling feelings of "well-wishes"....hoping that she has a full life in retirement, and continues to help others and fulfill her own needs in her personal growth. She is an outstanding therapist, trained in the DBT Skills for Borderlines, as designed by Dr. Marsha Linehan. The place where she worked, is not going to replace her. There is now no one on staff who is trained in the DBT Skills for treatment of Borderlines. This is very upsetting to me. I have written a letter where I pointed out the disservice of this company, by not having an outlet for the Borderlines whom they serve. I am hoping for an appointment with the Dir. of Clinical Services. I feel like it will be an uphill battle. I am full of angst today.

When a Therapist Retires ~ by the Webmaster of BPD Website

2010-05-22T18:43:00.000-04:00

My therapist is retiring, in less than two months. I've known that this was coming for a couple of years. This slow realization having reached my present has run me through a vast assortment of emotions. How can I go on? Will I stay centered? Will I fall apart? Will I go into depression? Will I have an episode? Will she miss me? The answers: I will. Yes. No. No. No. Probably-Yes.

Okay, now that we have covered that...on to the next topic....! Wait!!! You want me to elaborate? Maybe I should. It has not been that easy in processing. But I will try.

I went through several weeks of some real struggling in dealing with my emotions...some quite infantile in nature. But I am not an infant...not even close. I have been in Borderline treatment for 6 years. I have been in addiction recovery for almost 21 years. I know about denial, pain, complacency, regret, fear, resentment and appreciation. I know how important it is for me to label situations, and to include these facets as distinct from each other within them. I also have the Twelve Steps and the DBT Skills.

It took a Fifth Step recently to pull out of me several very unnerving emotions about the unanswered questions I am having right now, and the alarmingly slow unfolding of my life at this current time. A newer treatment of Borderline is the concept of Mentalization. I have used it in my recent dealing with some personal issues, where I couldn't get any perspective. I thought, 'maybe I should mentalize in this situation as well.' ~~ to mentalize this situation from another vantage point, namely hers. And I did.

My therapist is a person, with wants, needs, uncertainties, cautiousness, fears of her unknown retirement (I am sure). Her pattern of the workday, work-week, months, seasons and years will not be marked with 9-5 Monday-Fridays any longer. Meetings, clients, seminars, classes will become a vague memory. I used to think, "how can she not want to be involved with this every-changing world of mental health and recovery and helping others?"

Well, she can and will. My sponsor says that I have to give everyone the dignity of having their own journey. My therapist was not put on this earth to only be a mentor to me...it is not all about me. She must live her life, travel along her path, learn Life's lessons, move through all the stages that her life presents to her. She was given that gift and beginning of a journey when she was born. Even though she has given so much to others in helping them deal with this horrific disorder, she is now to look to a time where she can give to her own growth and happiness. She has earned a rest, and a new vocation (whatever that may be). And that vocation may just be to be.

I have often thought, 'if I could just borrow her brain for a bit, and absorb all of the knowledge that she has acquired in all the years in her field of mental health and all the experiences.' Hmmm. I would be asking to live a re-run of part of her life, and that is not mine to do. I have my own movie to star in, and possibly win an award or two. Or at least an Honorable Mention.

She has left a major footprint on my heart and soul. My "need" for her is about completed. Things are winding down and closing off. From this ending is coming a new life in me. One of hope. She will find her way, and I will continue to find mine in recovery. I need her as a mentor. But I "need" this, and not "want" it. My ego does not want my therapist as a friend to coffee klatch. But, there is no un-paid karmic debt here. She owes me nothing. However, the need to still have spiritual contact with her is strong with me. I do not understand it, but it's there. If it is God's Will that she be in my life, and if it is for each of our Higher Good---then it will happen.

I will miss her Graciousness, her Calm and her Humility.

Now, how's that for processing with a "good outcome"?

Breathing In I Calm Myself.....

2010-05-14T10:16:00.000-04:00

Good Morning. It is sunny where I in on this earth and in this room. I find that I can think clearly, feel relaxed, have a list of things that I want to do, but all I need to do is breathe. I am reading a book that is teaching me the advantages of meditating. To reduce stress, control pain, bring a state of peaceful mind and to live Life mindfully and fully. But I need to give background on the last sevearl months of my life.

I planned a birthday party for my mother. It was a big event with a caterer, a DVD of either decades of her life in pictures, a playlist of 40's-50's-60's music, great food, a program that honored her (and roasted her too) and friends and family all around that let her know how important she had been and continues to be to them. I was a moment in Heaven, and I enjoyed watching her utter enjoyment of the entire occasion. It has breathed new life into her. At the same time, when it was over, I realized how much I had 'lived and breathed' the planning of this party. I was glad for the opportunity to execute it...and I was glad when it was successfully behind me.

People have asked me what I was going to do with all the free time that I now would have after having my time consumed by this party. I told them that I would do the things that came to me to do, now that I had this huge hurtle behind me. Some harsh realizations came to me as I looked at the immediate months ahead. My DBT-trained therapist was retiring in early summer, and I was in a 12-Step workshop and at the point where I needed to take a personal inventory.

I wish I was embroiled in another huge project, where I could totally distract myself.

I have realized how much I had been searching for something (a philosophy, a discipline, a practice) that would augment and deepen my understanding of Life, its trials, my journey and my wondering where it will take me. I have attempted some investigating of the Buddhist beliefs and practices. My progress has been slow...yet I feel a shift is in progress inside of me. The scariness of being cut adrift from my therapeutic anchor is being tempered with 'I am exactly where I need to be.' When all else fails, go back to the basics in my 12-Step Program's doctrine and slogans.

As tired as I have mentally been, I have been insomniatic at night. I think, I do little ruminating, I meditate and I pray....to at least guide my dreams (once asleep) to be of some calming exercise. A fair amount of the time, I am taken back to times and places where I do not wish to re-visit. I have no choice when I sleep. I awaken to a new day. And remind myself....

"All I have to do is breathe, and be mindful of everything around me as I breathe in and out. Until later.

Baseline

2010-04-06T17:49:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon! It has been a long time since I have been able to write in this blog. I have been involved in a very big project that has required many, many hours to get this thing planned, designed, delegated and executed. I am almost done...and can afford to sit back after 3 months of intense work.

I realize how glad I will be when I'm done with this, but yet at the same time...I wonder a bit how I will fill the time-slots that have been so tightly filled. I cannot project. My DBT skills say to stay in the moment. A 12-Step program will also give that same advice.

I have learned so much on the computer...processes, designing. I have also acquired a new computer in the interim....and am very grateful about that. Getting used to a new computer is something that can take weeks to integrate until you are up to speed. Also a new operating system. But I digress.

The thrust of this blog is to discuss progress in my Borderline disordered personality. Few things have thrown me onto the "track of that racing train"; I seem to be able to think things through - to not let my emotional mind win. Wise Mind is in the front seat. Emotional Mind was told to go to the back of the bus.

I feel a bit more mature. I do believe that I have been sitting at baseline for several months now. It is noticed by friends and family alike. Maybe I am just getting older. Maybe I am "mentalizing" more. (see the website for the definition of this). I know that I am taking every tip and trick I have heard and learned and applying it to improve the quality of my life. Things are better. Much better. And I am grateful. I have been blessed with many "spiritual rewards", and I like knowing that. Namaste.

I Survived the Holidays...YAY!

2010-01-03T18:33:00.000-05:00

Am I glad these holidays are over! Not that I am a Scrooge or anything. They just usually invoke a lot of stress. I want not exempt from this. My mother had her 2 children for Christmas, I being one of them who lives in the same city as she. But the only grand-daughter couldn't make it because of cancelled airline flights. The brother's girlfriend decided to make him squirm over the holidays from 3,000 miles away. And he did and the situation was less than desirable, but unavoidable. He's only human.

Nice to have the SOP (significant other person) around on vacation. Didn't have to do much cooking, and got a lot of year-end things accomplished. What I dread is the post-Christmas let-down and depression from my mother. It happens every year. Without fail.

I had never been so glad to take down a Christmas tree in my adult life. I don't know exactly what. Oh, I had to attend a funeral on Christmas Eve afternoon. Kind of put a somber mood over Christmas, but couldn't be helped.

I look forward, not backward - this year. My one New Year's resolution. (I already work out at a gym, so I don't need to make that one.) I am glad you all made it through the holidays as well. Blessings.

Day After Christmas 2009

2009-12-26T12:35:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas! I am so glad to be back online, and talking about the holidays. They were good. Santa was good to me. There were some mild non-intentional slurs by family about being a thorn in my father's side when he was living (as a Borderline) before I was diagnosed and just a mess. I have gone through some comfort food eating, and can't shake the extra pounds around my middle. Receiving an exercise and diet book AND exercise outfit from my mother, was highly inappropriate. Both parental figures said things that rubbed my feelings wrong. My intentions are always to help. And I have helped aging parents until my hands, fingers, and legs hurt. Is it a good excuse that it is because someone is 83 years old that they have license to be gruff, rude and say hurtful things? Yes, Radical Acceptance is what is needed here in this case. And I attended a funeral Christmas Eve afternoon. That was a bit of a bummer, but I would not think of NOT attending.

Yet, I feel a peace within me....that everything is okay, and will continue to be. I am reading, learning everything I can about Borderline. I wouldn't wish this disorder on my worst enery. It is my hope that everyone reads the website, who is drawn to learning more.

Christmas Cheer is Here

2009-12-16T13:46:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone, and interested Readers! That time of year is upon us. The hustle and bustle of getting ready from the holiday(s). And of course, it is a time for reflection, and possibly depression for a lot of us folks recovering from something. I have had a lot of responsibilities to people for whom I have been doing web-work and design. But, with my mountains of lists, and adhering to them, (part of my Obsessive-Compulsiveness, I'm sure) I have paced myself, and gotten an exorbitant amount of "things" done. Service to others like children, family and people who aid me in my recovery.

I have kept from losing my cool on a few occasions by Practicing the Skills of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, as I have been taught. I try to not look ahead and anticipate the let-down after Christmas. (yes, I know - only a Borderline would spend time thinking about that). So much going on.

And I have counted my blessings. Over and over again. It has been a very tumultuous year. A roller-coaster ride for sure!!! Births, deaths, divorces, kudos, warm-fuzzies and spiritual rewards. Please, keep spreading the word about Borderline. Forward this site I write my blog for to anyone who can use it. I have read that there is feedback from therapists in Canada, UK, France, Australia, as well as the States here. They are thanked in the site.

I will try to write before Christmas. Hopefully, nothing brings me down until after the holiday has passed. I want it to be a good one.

The Worst-est Borderline Ever. Me

2009-11-25T20:45:00.000-05:00

Okay Okay. I know how tumultuous a time it has been for me, and I apologize for not keeping you in on the loop. My therapist has been drumming into me that I CAN control my impulses and my mental and emotional reactions. She just doesn't understand about the runaway train of emotions when it takes off at neck-break speed. Maybe I didn't pay attention in Skills group. I feel like a failure. I feel like my recovery is a fraud. Why can't I get this.

I am seriously considering leaving my boyfriend of over 6 years. All we do is deal with my episodes and then his dysthymia kicks into action. The last episode had me wielding a knife and just going berserk! Why? Because I wasn't being validated. My feelings were being not acknowledged. There is nothing that set me off so fast and furiously. My buttons are pushed, the train takes off and self-soothing or distracting are the farthest from my mind. It scared me and scared him. Though, he is reading more and more books about BPD and Non's, and is learning to take care of himself better ---but he is s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o co-dependent. I am worn out. Do I throw in the towel? Practice the Skills harder, better, more earnestly?????????????? What? Help me out here. Ever see "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" That's us. Jesus.

My God has forsaken me. But I can't really believe that....but it feels like it. God help me and those who love me.

(signed) The Worst Borderline There Ever Was

P.S. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day

A Gray Day for Weather-Time to Validate Yourself

2009-10-13T12:06:00.000-04:00

Good Morning. I have been spending in inordinate amount of time on the computer. Researching. Journaling. Learning. Trying to understand. My therapist says "I am not my diagnosis." I beg to differ. Almost everything I do-say-think is done so in the manner as a Borderline would act. Part of my personality is made up of my Borderline tendencies. They have been with me all of my life. I have learned the skills of how to curtail the behaviors....but what if the train jumps track before I even know what's happening?

Borderline is largely a reflex. A conditioned response. To stop and think slowly through the process of acting differently (more appropriately) is something I continue to struggle with. Unless, I have just been beat up repeatedly (in my head) and am worn out. I then realize that I DO HAVE OTHER OPTIONS. I do not have to feel BEAT UP by "things", people, situations, words, deeds, conversations. But what damage my Borderline disorder doesn't do, my low self-esteen takes over the job of running me into the ground. It's lonely on the ground, but people have no exprectations from you when you are there--flat on your face on the ground. People look for some other "winner", pretty face, successful person, published author, noted speaker, rich philanthropist, or world leader to gaze loveingly upon, and place faith in.

I embarrass my mother. She doesn't say this, but when I offer to help a friend who has a small business to advertise for her on the internet....my mother quickly says, "oh, I'm sure she has someone doing that for her." Never an encouragement. Never a "yes! you could ask them and see what they say!" No validation. No encouraging words. Only the fact that she doesn't want to be embarrassed by me to others. So, I sit by myself and hope that my sharing can help others. And I'll never know. But there is the possibility..... I might find a bit of purpose in helping an "unknown society" out there on the internet. Never give up hope.

Where is Nirvana?

2009-09-17T09:25:00.000-04:00

Good Morning. It is a beautiful Fall day. Cool mornings. 80 degree afternoons. I am using the DBT skills sometimes. I just can't re-direct the impulses. I can't do it. It is emotionally, mentally impossible. I have tried every skill. I just cannot SOMETIMES calm myself. I have lived with an unbearable family situation. I have been called "nut" and sworn to by a daughter-in-law of my significant other. I did not deserve it, nor did any of my actions call for it. My significant other is "making" me put up with it. I have no self-esteem. I am beat down. I struggle for daily existence without cutting myself. There is no peace. I want to run away. I have a mental illness. That is professionally certified by the United States government. I do not have anything to offer that is real uplifting today. It is what it is. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Signing off.

Here We Go Again

2009-09-10T19:11:00.000-04:00

Good Evening. Another storm diffused. We have a continuing family issue going on. Drugs, alcohol, anger, rages, disrespect, abuse. Now, grandchildren are being "withheld" from my significant other and I, because we set a boundary and had a guideline for the exchange of the grandchildren, and the mother would not abide when all was said and done. Well, it's been 4 weeks since we've seen them. My SOP says that my therapist and I should have never tried to put in place a boundary and agreement for the exchange of the children. In other words: we should have never pissed the mother off. It is our fault! Imagine that! Talk about back-pedaling when something doesn't work out, and blame the initiator of the boundary for things not working out! So much for sobriety and sanity. Twenty years of sobriety, and still having a tough time dealing with immense dysfunction.

I had to call my therapist. She had to talk me down. She says the most important thing is to get calmed down. I want to solve the problem that has been dragging on since March 2009. No one is going to change. I have gotten emotionally involved with these kids, and I wish I hadn't. Their grandfather is doing nothing. I have asked him, "how much dysfunction will you tolerate before you put your foot down and say 'no more!'" He said, "I don't know my breaking point."

He blames me for being Borderline. He can show unhappiness and upset; when I do, I am an "acting out Borderline". That is not fair, not at all. I am not my diagnosis. I am a person with feelings, and emotions about intolerable situations. Because this is HIS FAMILY, he minimizes things. Yes, it is really bad. His son is a drug addict, an alcoholi and a porn addict (according to his wife). What a sicko! And all us Borderlines get the bad publicity. It doesn't seem fair. Nor right.

So, I am unregulated tonight. But I am distracting myself...one of the DBT skills. Peace.

Sluggish and Nervous

2009-09-01T13:42:00.000-04:00

Hello. It is sunny here today, and very warm. I try to catch the last few rays of summer sun and Vitamin D before the Fall/Winder doldrums set in. I have been sitting out in the sun and reading a book on natural health remedies and taking notes. I have been having trouble getting up in the mornings...why, I do not know. I don't want to face the world. I feel uncertain about my life. I feel aimless and purposeless. I feel that I do not matter, when I know I do. I am reading so much about mental illness. I feel that my medication is not doing its job anymore, or its effect is lessening.

I have to give a talk on addictions tonight. No, I am not nervous about that. I guess I just need someone to talk to about this. There are not many people who are open and authentic about their feelings, and I just do not enjoy trying to converse with them. I try to stay busy, to be of service to someone, even if it is my significant other. He is my best friend, I guess. I can talk to him up to a point.

I'm rambling, I know. But if I sign off from here, I feel as if I will disappear ! Isn't that silly? Does anyone else feel like that sometimes. Signing off, Perplexed

Lessons Learned and Endured

2009-08-29T14:45:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon. It is almost September, and it has been an eye-opening summer. However, therapy is really helping, the mental and physical pain are at an all-time low, and I seem to have a little bit of hope. But I continue to struggle with emotionality. I have a tool-basket full of tools. I know what to do when things in my brain get out of control....but I am so tired of always having to stay one step ahead of myself in keeping the "runaway train from jumping off the track".

I guess it could be a lot worse. I could be immersed in an addiction. Or have diabetes. Or breast cancer. Or live on the streets. I have the biggest trouble with my ruminating. About my life.

Past - Present - and Future. I am waking up at 3:00am, lying there in a semi-conscious state for about 3 hours, falling back into a troubled sleep, and not wanting to get out of bed until about 10:00am. And THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME.

I have been reunited with an old friend, after a 20-year estrangement. I am grateful about that. But the family Trauma-Drama. No way will I be able to swallow that for much longer. And I cannot do anything about it. I can't change it or cure it. But I do live with how it affects my significant other. It comes out in negative energy. Don't get me started. I'll talk your ears off.

I'll talk again when I am in a better space. Maybe tonight.

Let's Talk Medicines

2009-08-18T19:30:00.000-04:00

Good evening. I want to talk about pain and depression and mental illness. It is a know fact that there is widespread physical pain that can accompany mental illness, depression, and other physical ailments such as fibromylgia, arthritis, restless leg syndrome etc. etc. etc. Sometimes, some prescribed medications are for one condition, and can actually be another benefit to the patient. For example, Wellbutrin (Budeprion XL) is a wel-known anti-depressant. It works well for a lot of people. Another side-benefit: it will definitely contribute greatly to the efforts of anyone who wants to stop smoking. Another side benefit: it can help you lose weight. But Wellbutrin doesn't work for everyone in the anti-depressant arena.

My benefit: I was put on Cymbalta about 2.5 months ago. I was experiencing a lot of non-specific pain. I was a mental/emotional mess at the time. My arthritis was kicking up. My hot flashes were out of control, as I was taken off Premarin in February of this year. Well, guess what? Pain is down to about 5% of what it was, and I do not have the debilitating hot flashes.

I then discovered Flexa-min Triple Strength with Bone Shield in a magazine ad for joint pain, stiffness. Another major problem of mine. And I ain't that old! I work out at a gym, eat right, don't drink, don't smoke and do all I can to stay fit. I had tried all the supplements, Glucosamine, Chondroitin (in many forms), herbs etc. The pain was always with me. I would sit at a restaurant for a hour, and get up to use the Ladies' Room. I would really try to straighten up and walk without a grimace, as the pain in my body was unbearable until I got moving again. And after the gym workouts? Muscles, bones, joints everything would stiffen up like concrete.

It was just plain AWFUL!!!!! Talk about "quality of life" !!!!! Honest. I don't get paid one cent for endorsing these 2 meds. But they sure have been an answer to my prayers in the way of pain, depression, hot flashes, stiff/achy joints, non-specific pain, some mild OCD, and impulsivity. If you are at the end of your rope in some of these areas, it may not hurt to try something new. Both of these meds (Cymbalta is prescribed, Flexa-min is over-the-counter) are new to my body since May 2009 and July 2009. There is no motivator like pain!!!! :-)

A Child's Mental Illness & Parental Anger

2009-08-16T08:55:00.000-04:00

I am filled with upset at an incident that happened yesterday. While waiting for my boyfriend to bring our ice cream out to an outside eating area at a restaurant, I had the unwanted opportunity of watching a father throw his young daughter into his van and beat her. I mean he was shaking her, spanking her, and punching at her. I know what I saw. What a monster. OMG! What had she done to deserve that? I just froze. Never again. I will run to confront a similar situation and try to stop it in progess. His "reason" to us: "oh, she's bi-polar." ...like that is a plausible reason to do what he did. The girl was 8 years old. My boyfriend warned him about doing what he did. Five minutes later, I called the police and reported it. Two cop cars met up, and we told them what happened. I hope this father gets his head screwed on right. This really shook me up. I had flashbacks to all the beatings from my own alcoholic father. No one listened to me at the time. No one stood up in my behalf. The abuse of children has got to stop. Beating someone is no way to cope with a child's mental illness, and just causes trauma to the child. Yes, I am dysregulated right now. It will pass. Thanks for letting me vent.

Radical Acceptance

2009-08-12T17:24:00.000-04:00

Sorry. I have been busy trying to lead an emtionally-regulated life. And some days are better than others. For instance, the mother of my stepchildren. Now that is a bitch on wheels, pardon my French. She has not sense of modifying her voice to a comfortable decibel range. She HAS to have the last word, and she has to comment on everything...giving her opinion when nobody asks. She has caused scenes, and dressed me down in front of a 3 and 5 year old. Her reason: Because an innocent victim she know got killed in a drive-by and it was the day of the funeral, and she was upset. Come to find out he was a 1) drug dealer 2) he had gotten beat up and nearly killed several years ago. Hmmmm. My sympathy went out the window for her and him.

The good thing: I held my tongue (to preserve the relationship). But at the expense of my self-esteem. No more. The quandry: where to draw the line. When to keep quiet? When to speak up? When to make a real loud noise at an injustice?

Because my significant other felt some family members had to be told of my disorder, they now use it against me. He was just being co-dependent; he wanted his family to "like me." Some are actively involved in drugs and alcohol in an addiction sense. The rest of them are in denial of the addicts. Recovery is hard - especially when you are trying to adjust to a new life, that is against a lot of peoples' way of doing things. Why can't I just recover? Why do they have to say invalidating statements to me? I have to just accept them the way they are, and steer clear of them. No, I would never waste my time in trying to carry the message of sobriety and recovery to them. Maybe I would if they asked. But they are causing trouble in our lives, and are trying to drag me down with them. I have had to place sturdy boundaries around myself. Even when it comes to my significant other. I do not like confrontation. I like the easier, softer way. Standing up for myself is hard, when there are few people who see things through sober eyes, and have no clue about looking at their own part in disagreements.

This is very hard because my anger and impulsity rear their ugly heads when knocking heads with these people. They are so unkind. "Do No Harm" I have always tried to live my life by these last several years. Over and over and over again, I have lessons placed before me to see if I have learned anything. Yes, I have learned how to conduct myself. No, I don't always want to do the right thing. I want to get even for hurt bestowed upon me or those close to me. I struggle with this daily.

I am a Borderline, therefore I struggle when I do not remember to use the DBT skills. Sometimes, I even struggle when I do. Thanks for listening.

Dysregulating Trauma-Drama

2009-08-04T11:19:00.000-04:00

Good Morning. I have been reading more about Borderline Personality Disorder this week. I have focused on the statistics of suicide and self-harm. These are very hard to accept, but there is something that can be done to insure that I do not become a statistic.

1) I identify when things are not "quite right" with me.

2) I try not to make any important decisions at this time.

3) I use a skill or skills to try to combat the mood.

4) I try to figure out what I can do to avoid a similar situation, or a repeat of what sent me into a spiral.

I can avoid hurting someone's feelings if I just try to figure out why I am in a funk. And this can be done. It is skillful to NOT just have a "knee-jerk" reaction to something that comes into my awareness, and to handle it unlike a 3-year old having a small tantrum. And that is my nature. That is what I have done all my life, if my brain mis-fires and my emotions get out of control.

It is of paramount importance to stay quieted, or to calm myself. Distress Tolerance, I believe it is called. It is a DBT skill. More later. We are having a storm. (Pause) The storm (outside) is over, but the storm inside a Borderline only rests before the next raging torrent of emotions. This is what treatment hopes to accomplish. To reduce the severity and intensity of the storms, and to show how to bring on and prolong the "calms".

A Borderline's brain never stops ruminating. It takes strong, determination and A LOT OF MINDFULNESS EXERCISES to quiet "Emotional Mind" into a "Wise Mind" Mode. Peace.

Runaway Train Derailed

2009-07-28T12:16:00.000-04:00

I blew my top yesterday. My warnings and words got ignored. Not once, not twice, but for the third time on the same issue. It was not a issue for myself - ot was concerning the health and safety of 2 kids under the age of 5. Just because I am not mother doesn't mean I don't know something about caring for children, watching them play, knowing the pitfalls they can encounter on playground equipment. But to put kids in sandals that are not securely tied to their feet, and ignore previous requests to have them in shoes where they can play. Gravel gets in sandals. The kids have to deal with the frustration of getting the gravel out of sandals. Why not make it easy and just put them in shoes and socks like I asked????????????????????????

I blew up at the one person who could have listened and heeded my words. The mother of the kids is who keeps ignoring me. But my significant other is the grandfather of these children, and he could have enforced my request and supported me. But they both did nothing. They did not support me on the issue.

I blew. I got very loud, very accusing, very threatening. I can't seem to get through to this person. I get treated as a Borderline who doesn't have a brain or a reasonable mind, and therefore many things I say or suggest do not get taken seriously. It's like I do not have any sense myself. However, he DID DO THE RIGHT thing by remaining calm and not blowing up back at me. I calmed myself. I was fine when we continued our plans with the kids.

I guess we have to buy shoes and socks for the kids ourselves and keep them at our house. I hate broken families where the kids alternate between both parents and their belongings get strewn across 3 households. Well, thanks for letting me vent.

Distract - Emotion Regulation Skill

2009-07-26T11:59:00.000-04:00

Good Sunday noon. Well, the situation from my last posting turned out great! I distracted myself when there was conflicting opinions, and I would have normally blown my top. But a 2 hour separation, and occupying myself on the computer while my significant other left the house proved to be the best tactic to take. I calmed down, and he came home and announced his decision he needed to make in handling the situation - and it was in accordance with what I wanted to see happen.

I had busied myself on the computer. This distraction ALWAYS takes away my anger, as I become so absorbed in something else, particularly reading information on the internet, or working on some computer project of mine. AND, without my pushing the issue, and beating it to death to try to get him to see the INSANITY of how he wanted to handle things...I said my piece, and let it go. Made for a good outcome. How much of my pushing would have "forced" him to take a different tact and further foster the ill feelings between us on this issue?

Since we never know the outcomes of taking an alternative course of action - we just have to believe that what resulted was for the highest good of all. Peace.

Pushing a Borderline's Buttons

2009-07-23T18:45:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought things were going well with my significant other -- BOOM!-- a situation arose that all my buttons were on alert, and ready to fire! A trust issue: he has been caught in a lie in the recent past. Enabling an alcoholic family member financially. A very ugly situation when I accidentally found out. He had no intention of telling me. The lie had been continuing for 4 years! And another scene of the same situation has reared its ugly head, and he is faced with another decision. Will he tell me the truth in how he handles it? I do not know. I have not forgotten nor forgiven him for his repeated lie. I have just tried to accept that it took place. But now, will it take place again? And how will I handle it if he lies to me again, and I find out? Will my Borderline fast train to self-destruction derail?

I hate this. I hate all of this doubt. I will never fully trust this man again. I have been with him for over six years. He enables and lies to avoid confrontation. I am sick of his behavior. He never seems to "get it." He just doesn't seem to care, and makes up all sorts of excuses and reasons. And he says he is in recovery. What recovery? My head is mis-firing all over the place. This sucks.

Pat on the Back

2009-07-22T11:28:00.000-04:00

It's raining where I am, but I try to not let it bother my mood. I usually am a bit of a mirror for the weather. My joints feel the low pressures and dampness. If God waters my flowers, then my utility bill stays low.

Well, I am taught to give myself credit and pat myself on the back when I skillfully handle a situation. Two situations in the last 24 hours I have confronted with carefully measured words, and regulated and modulated tone of voice. Not my usual Modus Operandi. Setting boundaries as well as letting people know when they are making assumptions helps to smooth things out, clarify actions and intentions, and to hopefully not experience the same unpleasantry again. i have to remember: people don't usually like it when you put boundaries out them to be adhered to. People expect you to be co-dependent and bow to their wishes - especially if you have made mistakes with them in the past.

It has been my experience to hold things in, cop a resentment, and avoid that person, or passive-aggressively behave when around them. It has never worked for me when I did that. This is all new behavior for me. I am trying to apply what I have learned in DBT classes. That is not to say that I will not fall back into old way in a given situation that really sends me spinning. But if I practice and acquire skillful behaviors, they will come easier, when I really need to apply them. Have a Peaceful day.

Meaningfulness

2009-07-21T15:13:00.000-04:00

Good Day. I trip through this day looking for the not-so-obvious meaning that lurks somewhere in my life. Meaning for my existence here on Earth. My disorder has created a lot of choas and havoc over the years, and I feel that does not lend itself to much credibility. I do have a lot of experience in making a mess of my life (and others'), but I have come through it too. I have made amends to many other people for the destructive path I have walked and dragged them with me during various segments of the journey.

I have to live with my Self-doubt, and Forgive myself. I have to continually choose to not beat up on myself for the pain that I have created in people's lives whom I have touched. I just stay in the Moment, and be Mindful of each minute of positive instances that I experience. It is so much easier to blog about this, than to practice it.

I have to try new and uncomfortable activities each day, if I am to continue to grow -- both, spiritually and emotionally. I guess this might be a good thing for all people to try. I HAVE to do it because my old ways do not work, and have never worked well for me. So, I push myself to get out of my daily rut. And you certainly can have one by my age. Try something new today. Good luck !

We Need More Therapists Specializing in BPD Treatments

2009-07-20T14:55:00.000-04:00

Good Afternoon. A little while ago, I was online in a chat room specifically set up for people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. There is a facilitator/moderator and it is wonderful to augment the help that I am already receiving. It is within a huge site that deals with all mental health issues, and psychiatric disorders. I must never forget where I came from, because I can fall back into emotional reactions (and self-destructive behaviors) in the blink of an eye. I am especially grateful for being asked to share my journey with those who are interested. It helps to keep me on the right path as well. I am a very lucky person. I could have easily become a statistic of suicide or lethal self-harming behaviors before I learned how to deal with this disorder.

Help is out there. Online resources are available to help locate a therapist/psychiatrist who deals in Borderline Personality Disorder. There is stigma out there within the professional community - it is very difficult having a Borderline in treatment, because they appear that they are not getting better, receiving any effective treatment etc. etc. etc. I don't blame them. But where would I be if my DBT therapist gave up on me? Professionals: we need you to sharpen your skills and commitment to helping this emotionally draining subset of clients that are badly in need of therapy. You just may save a life. Thanks for all of you who do.

Mindfulness

2009-07-19T10:24:00.000-04:00

Hello and Good Morning. I am trying to be very "mindful" of my environment and the positive things in my life. In DBT class (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) we were taught that to control our emotions from taking off on that "fast train to destruction"; we had to be almost hyper-vigilant on observing and assessing what we were feeling, seeing and experiencing - and hopefully view them in a realistic light.

Many people walk around their lives, and are so pre-occupied with the situation to which they are rushing, or what they are about to do, or ruminating on an unpleasantry, that they never experience and appreciate the Present. And what are those people doing who are all talking on cell phones, as they drive, shop, walk their dogs or babies, or sit at their kids ballgames??? Their attention is focused on the conversation with the person on the cell phone, not on what they are doing.

Being mindful helps me to cope with my emotions in dealing with the situation with which I am being a part of. We are "human BEINGS, not human DO-ERS." So, turn off your cellphones and Blackberries and allow yourself to fully be in the present. It's all we really have in life.

Practicing the Skill of G.I.V.E. - F.A.S.T.

2009-07-18T10:43:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I practiced the Interpersonal Effectiveness skill of Keeping the Relationship. I had lost sleep over an issue that I needed to iron out with a friend. I do not like confrontation. I realized it was "now or never" in having this talk. And I dreaded it.

(Be ) Gentle, (Act) Interested, Validate and (use an) Easy manner. G.I.V.E in dealing with the conversation with my friend yesterday. I also made sure that I did not jump to conclusions. I also had to hold to keeping my respect for myself. (be) Fair, (no) Apologies, Stick to values, (be) Truthful. F.A.S.T. I had to speak my Truth and hold to how I was feeling about an issue with this person.

And the good news is: using this skill was effective in having a positive outcome! YAY ME! It is a good tact to take in any unpleasant dealings with another person. I feel good. My impulse was to avoid this person. But, I knew that this wasn't showing that I had learned anything in DBT Skills group. So --- a Borderline triumph.

Worrying about Confrontation

2009-07-17T06:12:00.000-04:00

Good morning. I woke up at 4:00am, worrying about a meeting with a friend later today. I am needing to bring up some inappropriate behaviors that have eaten on me for over a year. I do not like conflict, but I also find I am avoiding this person. They are unaware of what their behavior is doing to our relationship. So, I couldn't sleep. I am just going to have to face the situation and plow through it. She is very unstable right now, and probably will not handle this very well. Oh brother, I hate things like this. But, it is all in my attitude in how I walk into the meeting and conduct myself. Sometimes, I feel my emotions are immature. I have only had 20 years in dealing with appropriate actions on my part, and 5 of those being in Borderline recovery. Not much practice. What's the worst that can happen? They or I walk out in anger. The best outcome: the air be cleared between us, or at least from my standpoint. Thanks for listening.

Loss ! (a 4-letter word to a Borderline)

2009-07-16T11:03:00.000-04:00

It's been a good couple of days. Just learning about my disorder of BPD, enjoying the summer, and trying to pick up the pieces from some fragmented situations going on right now in my life. A divorce, a separation, to relationship breakups of friends, the state of the Economy - why do these things impact me so? The deaths of Ed McMahon, Ferrah Fawcett, and icon Michael Jackson... gently rock my world, but doesn't rock me to sleep.

So many regrets - but I will not focus on them now. I will focus my attention on something else more pleasant.

OMG! I found out that my therapist is retiring in a year. I have been with her for over 5 years in Treatment (DBT), but not really aware of her commitment to my becoming whole until the last couple of weeks. So, with that acknowledgment, I guess that BPD has become a bit of a quest for me to enlighten lay people and professionals that it can no longer be ignored or avoided. It must be dealt with by everyone...because it is real. I am real. I have Borderline. Therefore, Borderline Personality Disorder is real. It is not going away.

Blogs help me understand me, and others to understand the workings of the blogger's mind.

Thought for the Day: I have tried for many years to love my Borderline mother. I am finding that forgiving her for having this disorder, and passing it on to me helps me to love her. I only realized this about 2 weeks ago. It's difficult. Life is difficult.

My Background - The Earlier Years

2009-07-14T17:00:00.000-04:00

Hi. I am a Borderline who has volunteered to go public with my progress in recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I will give some info about me, yet wish to remain anonymous. I hope that is ok with you readers. I am a female. And I have a lot of Experience, Hope and Strength to share about my recovery. I do not consider myself "recover-ED". No way. A majority of my days can still be a struggle, and some not so much. I have lived through a lot of bad times, and some good times too.

I come from a childhood environment of a womanizing, drinking alcoholic father, and a histrionic, Borderline, Drama Queen mother. Both parents were prone to explosive anger, sullen depressions, abusive behavior toward my sibling and I, and each other. I was the firstborn. I was the apple of my father's eye until I reached puberty. I often bore his wrath at upsets in the family unit, and my brother was quiet and withdrawn. He has been known to say that he had no childhood, that all the attention was on myself. This was probably true.I started drinking in my teens, yet indulged in the Greek wines at my maternal grandparents' home. My father taught me that life should be celebrated with booze, and hard times and disappointments could also be softened with an alcoholic drink --- or 3.

My 1st marriage was to get out from under my parents' crazy environment at home. I was 19. I drank, was married, went to college and was a stepmom. I earned a Bachelor's of Science degree. That lasted 3 years. At the age of 23, I married a college professor of mine (widower), with 4 boys from 8 to 13 years younger than I. I went to graduate school, drank, was married, was unfaithful and earned an MBA. That lasted not quite 3 years.

At age 27, I was operating an Italian sports car of mine under the influence of Jack Daniels, and had a terrible accident that should have ended my life, or at least taught me a lesson. I fully recovered, had minor plastic surgery, and continued to drink. I met husband #3 at my workplace, and we moved in together, drank together and built a condo. We married when I was 31, and he went into alcohol treatment 3 weeks after we married. I attended treatment with him, and had to remain sober for 3 months. I was a bitch on wheels for those 3 months, until he was out of treatment.

He continued to stay sober, attended A.A. meetings, and I continued to drink. My career in commercial selling took off, and I was a high-producing sales person (top 20% of the salesforce).When I was 35, I somehow was gently led to A.A., and then into outpatient treatment. At 3 months of sobriety, my then-husband was 4 years sober, had no sponsor and attended few meetings. I divorced him, breaking the rule of not making any life-altering decisions in the 1st year of sobriety.

In Aftercare Treatment, I met another man who got sober 3 months before I did. We broke the rules and started dating. He had an anger problem...and I had a myriad of problems... all of which I ignored. He was also an ex-Meth user, and a brilliant man. We were both salespeople. It was a very chaotic time. He was a physical abuser, but we married when I was 39. Also, at that time, a therapist had diagnosed me with Multiple Personalities Disorder. There were about 7 personalities, and two were quite destructive.

I bought a house. I was either throwing him out of the house, or helping him move back in. Finally, I could not take it any longer. I called his Domestic Violence therapist and told him I was through and I wanted him out.I then hooked up with one of my customers that I sold computer products to and had for 7 years. We dated, moved in together and then married. At that time, things turned really sticky and dark in my life.

I had known a female in AA for about 5 years. I was attracted to her. I left my husband for her, and lived with her and the daughter in their house. I was still in touch with my husband (soon-to-be ex). The chaos mounted as my female partner started taking prescription drugs again, and obtained them illegally. The teenage daughter was a child from Hell, and very wild and uncontrollable.I had a nervous breakdown right after my 46th birthday. I had 5 inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations over the next 20 months. I also was in therapy at the time. My girlfriend and the therapist had an intervention to get me to move out of the house. I willingly went, and moved to my own apartment. The ex-girlfriend ended up in a prison for a year, and I was heart-broken.

I dated a couple of men, one was a recovered alcoholic. At that time, I was already 13 years sober. Then I met my current significant other. It was this man and a psychiatrist who aided in the pinpointing and diagnosing of my Borderline Personality Disorder. He read some books on the disorder, and my behavior and moods were quite erratic and unpredictable. I found a mental health facility about 12 miles from my home that offered Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills training for my Borderline diagnosis. I started attending classes twice weekly. Then, I was moved to a Women's Process Group, and attended for 4 years.

I, however, did try to keep getting employed. I worked as a part-time pet-sitter, a part-time pharmacy technician (this job lasted a year). But difficulty with personalities on the job, caused me to leave the job when I had landed another, working as a minister's administrative assistant. I "did not fit the admin mold" and only lasted 3 months. Human Resources wanted me to work 20 hours per week; the minister needed me for 50 hours. I was in a power tug-of-war. And I was fired, as I did not know where to place my loyalty.

That was a day from Hell. I went ballistic. I thought God had fired me himself. My boyfriend was on the phone to my therapist (DBT specialist) and she couldn't talk me down. The police were called, and 9 of them filed into our apartment. I had been slicing on my left arm, and I would not give up the sharp tool. They took me in handcuffs to the psychiatric ward of a nearby hospital. I was in there for 72 hours, involuntarily. I was released back into the world on hurt, pain, shame and unemployment.

After 10 weeks later, I was hired as a part-time administrative assistant for a staffing company that was losing ground in the industry. The guy who ran the place was an 80+ year old, geeky slime-ball. The young girl I worked with was great. They had pared back the staff. I made it about 8 weeks and was let go. He didn't think I was happy there. I wasn't. I was under-employed and looking for things to stay busy during my hours there. An absolute disappointment.

Then about 5 months later, I was hired as an Administrative Ass't/Customer Service person back in the industry where I sold commerically for about 20 years. I loved the work, the people, the place, the pace. Then, what blew me away was the fact that 16 workdays into the job I was let go. They didn't think I was a good fit. No warning. It was a small, family-owned business for 3 generations, and I just don't think they wanted to pay me the salary I hired in at. It was a bitter disappointment, and I was lost. And depressed. Very depressed.

I self-treated my depression by taking St. John's Wort. Big mistake. It lowered my blood pressure dangerously, and I fell and cracked a rib. Then I strained my back. My doctor put me on Paxil. It turned me into a monster. Taken off hormones for good, a few family skirmishes, losing a friend over an unpleasant and embarrassing situation for HER, unemployed, unhappy, depressed and physcially uncomfortable -- I struggled with suicidal thoughts daily. I was hanging by a thread. I was withdrawing from the world. I did not want to live. The DBT skills were not saving me. My sobriety was not in jeopardy, but why stay sober? I was in perpetual pain. I had no drive, no purpose, no meaning. I was hanging by a tether.