Sorry. I have been busy trying to lead an emtionally-regulated life. And some days are better than others. For instance, the mother of my stepchildren. Now that is a bitch on wheels, pardon my French. She has not sense of modifying her voice to a comfortable decibel range. She HAS to have the last word, and she has to comment on everything...giving her opinion when nobody asks. She has caused scenes, and dressed me down in front of a 3 and 5 year old. Her reason: Because an innocent victim she know got killed in a drive-by and it was the day of the funeral, and she was upset. Come to find out he was a 1) drug dealer 2) he had gotten beat up and nearly killed several years ago. Hmmmm. My sympathy went out the window for her and him.
The good thing: I held my tongue (to preserve the relationship). But at the expense of my self-esteem. No more. The quandry: where to draw the line. When to keep quiet? When to speak up? When to make a real loud noise at an injustice?
Because my significant other felt some family members had to be told of my disorder, they now use it against me. He was just being co-dependent; he wanted his family to "like me." Some are actively involved in drugs and alcohol in an addiction sense. The rest of them are in denial of the addicts. Recovery is hard - especially when you are trying to adjust to a new life, that is against a lot of peoples' way of doing things. Why can't I just recover? Why do they have to say invalidating statements to me? I have to just accept them the way they are, and steer clear of them. No, I would never waste my time in trying to carry the message of sobriety and recovery to them. Maybe I would if they asked. But they are causing trouble in our lives, and are trying to drag me down with them. I have had to place sturdy boundaries around myself. Even when it comes to my significant other. I do not like confrontation. I like the easier, softer way. Standing up for myself is hard, when there are few people who see things through sober eyes, and have no clue about looking at their own part in disagreements.
This is very hard because my anger and impulsity rear their ugly heads when knocking heads with these people. They are so unkind. "Do No Harm" I have always tried to live my life by these last several years. Over and over and over again, I have lessons placed before me to see if I have learned anything. Yes, I have learned how to conduct myself. No, I don't always want to do the right thing. I want to get even for hurt bestowed upon me or those close to me. I struggle with this daily.
I am a Borderline, therefore I struggle when I do not remember to use the DBT skills. Sometimes, I even struggle when I do. Thanks for listening.
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