Summer BPD Funk

     It's June 28, 2016.  It has been a pretty good summer so far.  I still struggle.  Maybe I'm not doing these Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills correctly.  I know them like the back of my hand.  I have been involved with them since early 2004.  I am 27 years sober from alcoholism.  I still struggle.

     What people don't seem to realize is that a Borderline's defense mechanisms are hard-wired in our systems.  The Skills teach us how to "unlearn" these behaviors that enabled us to survive our childhood traumas.  However, the irrational thoughts and unfounded emotions stem from somewhere in us/me.  I cannot seem to keep them from coming to light in thoughts, dreams, and ruminations.  One slightly-off remark from a significant person can send me into a mental tail-spin of negative musings, self-deprecating thoughts, and conclusions to unfounded and mis-construed stories that may be quite far from the reality of a situation.  It is all so very exhausting.  Sometimes I feel like I am doomed to this continuous spiraling and fragmented mish-mash of angst.  It never gets me anywhere but in the doldrums.  Why?  Why me?

     At 62 years of age, I have managed to be part of some uplifting events that gave me glimmers of hope.  I wrote a book for Borderlines who also might have addictions.  The book is a 366-day meditation book of daily snippets of some tools to help get through our daily lives.  Here is a link to where you can view and/or purchase.  http://bit.ly/oS227n   Another happening of note:  I was flown to New York to tape a segment on Borderline Personality Disorder by the "Second Opinion" show of PBS.  I was interviewed by two doctors--a doctor with a general practice, a psychiatrist and a host.  It was a wonderful opportunity to spread the word about what Borderline is, and what can be done to treat it.  This was a wonderful experience for me.  This episode will be placed on my website when I receive it from the "Second Opinion" producer, probably October 2016. 

     My website about this BPD disorder is at the following URL:
www.alawebpages.com/webquestbpd  It was started in May 2009.  It is full of information about this disorder.  I understand the disorder.  I know what it has done to my life.  I know how it feels on the inside of my mind.  I try my hardest to rise above the pitfalls of where my mind can go, harbor thoughts that lead to discontent, and at times prompt actions that are not in my best interest, or anyone else's, for that matter.

     I constantly struggle with finding a purpose in my life, often using other recovering peers as my yardstick...which gets me nowhere fast.  I have a good support system, yet they are people in 12-Step programs, but are not Borderlines with 12 years of recovery as well.  I cannot find someone just like me to share with and learn from.  No role model, just as I had no role models when I was growing up.  Just a family of highly-dysfunctional people with mental illness and addiction....and choosing to do nothing about it.  I am in a funk.  This too shall pass.