Borderline Binge

It is Day 16 of a tumultuous 16 day spree of chaos, pain and angst.

My brother decided to move our mother out to California in early January 2018, and I wasn’t even told that this was going to take place.  How I found out was by a mutual acquaintance while dining out on Thursday night in mid-February.  What an absolute shock that my family would do this to me!  Mom and I talked a few times by phone….me crying and begging her not to go.  She said that my brother was pressuring her to come out. 

I went over to her retirement home the night before she moved and we had a nice talk.  I went over the next day to help with the move since my brother was delayed on a business trip and wouldn’t get there until later.  My boyfriend of 15 years wanted to go over and say good-bye to Mom.  But when my brother arrived at her home, with hate in his eyes and voice her said, “absolutely not!--- your boyfriend is not to come here today!” Can you imagine that? I stayed the entire 8 hours, helping where I could.

I called Mom on the 3rd of April to reiterate my sadness and frustration that she moved and I was even told.  My mother and brother COULD HAVE AT LEAST TOLD my boyfriend   (life partner), who could have related it to me.  But they didn’t choose that route.  That conversation escalated to my crying and wailing. I explained to her that THIS was what Borderline looked like.  I was hurt beyond belief.  She said weakly that “We were going to tell you at some point.”  When?  I asked.  It was already 2 weeks before the moving date when I found out. 

The next day April 4th, my brother sent me a highly inflammatory email saying that I had   1) caused a lot of pain in Mom  2) she was finally getting some happiness after the 5 years of drama that I had dragged her thru after her husband's death!  3) My brother then told me that he had blocked my phone Number from Mom’s.  I could not call her   4) all mail was to go thru him first.    I HAVE BEEN TOTALLY CUT OFF FROM MY MOTHER.

All hell broke loose on April 4th.  My boyfriend had to call 911 and the police and an ambulance arrived here at the house.  I was cutting my right arm repeatedly in a blind rage.  They took my to Community North Psych Pavilion.  I stayed inpatient for 4 days.  MOM CALLED MY BOYFRIEND to find out how I was on the night of April 3rd.  My brother's email to me on the 4th said that Mom was highly irritated that I had drawn her into some of my drama AGAIN, and that I was cut off from her by phone and mail..... and she agreed to it.  However, Mom and my boyfriend kept communicating by phone!  That doesn’t sound right to me.

Last weekend, April 14th, I contact my brother by text by text.  He was hateful in his words to me.  He, his wife and Mom were headed to see my niece and her boyfriend, and John didn’t want anything to upset that weekend.  (He and his daughter are estranged).   John also said “and tell stupid boyfriend to stop with all the stupid phone calls to Mom.  These phone calls are really pissing her off!”  I am blown away!  It’s like my brother is trying to cement in the wedge that is already between my mother and I.  I need my mother.

John told me Sunday night in a text that he would call on Tuesday April 17th. He would be in D.C.  He said that we needed to straighten things out so I could talk to mom.  I texted him 3 time when 8:00pm rolled around last night and there was not phone call.  He does things of this nature all the time.  Says he’ll doing something, then flake out.

He has all the control.  This is not right.  I was so hurt and crushed that they made plans to move her and I was making plans to try once again to improve my relationship with Mom and recover some lost time.  

I am despondent.  I am totally cut off from my family.  This Borderline is killing me as I repeatedly just want out of the pain.  I am self-destructing.  I hide my scars and bruises from everyone.  They do not know the pain that accompanies me daily.  There is no hope.  I WILL DIE FROM THIS.