Runaway Train Derailed

I blew my top yesterday. My warnings and words got ignored. Not once, not twice, but for the third time on the same issue. It was not a issue for myself - ot was concerning the health and safety of 2 kids under the age of 5. Just because I am not mother doesn't mean I don't know something about caring for children, watching them play, knowing the pitfalls they can encounter on playground equipment. But to put kids in sandals that are not securely tied to their feet, and ignore previous requests to have them in shoes where they can play. Gravel gets in sandals. The kids have to deal with the frustration of getting the gravel out of sandals. Why not make it easy and just put them in shoes and socks like I asked????????????????????????

I blew up at the one person who could have listened and heeded my words. The mother of the kids is who keeps ignoring me. But my significant other is the grandfather of these children, and he could have enforced my request and supported me. But they both did nothing. They did not support me on the issue. 

I blew. I got very loud, very accusing, very threatening. I can't seem to get through to this person. I get treated as a Borderline who doesn't have a brain or a reasonable mind, and therefore many things I say or suggest do not get taken seriously. It's like I do not have any sense myself. However, he DID DO THE RIGHT thing by remaining calm and not blowing up back at me. I calmed myself. I was fine when we continued our plans with the kids.

I guess we have to buy shoes and socks for the kids ourselves and keep them at our house. I hate broken families where the kids alternate between both parents and their belongings get strewn across 3 households. Well, thanks for letting me vent.

Distract - Emotion Regulation Skill

Good Sunday noon. Well, the situation from my last posting turned out great! I distracted myself when there was conflicting opinions, and I would have normally blown my top. But a 2 hour separation, and occupying myself on the computer while my significant other left the house proved to be the best tactic to take. I calmed down, and he came home and announced his decision he needed to make in handling the situation - and it was in accordance with what I wanted to see happen. 

I had busied myself on the computer. This distraction ALWAYS takes away my anger, as I become so absorbed in something else, particularly reading information on the internet, or working on some computer project of mine. AND, without my pushing the issue, and beating it to death to try to get him to see the INSANITY of how he wanted to handle things...I said my piece, and let it go. Made for a good outcome. How much of my pushing would have "forced" him to take a different tact and further foster the ill feelings between us on this issue? 

Since we never know the outcomes of taking an alternative course of action - we just have to believe that what resulted was for the highest good of all. Peace.

Pushing a Borderline's Buttons

Just when I thought things were going well with my significant other -- BOOM!-- a situation arose that all my buttons were on alert, and ready to fire! A trust issue: he has been caught in a lie in the recent past. Enabling an alcoholic family member financially. A very ugly situation when I accidentally found out. He had no intention of telling me. The lie had been continuing for 4 years! And another scene of the same situation has reared its ugly head, and he is faced with another decision. Will he tell me the truth in how he handles it? I do not know. I have not forgotten nor forgiven him for his repeated lie. I have just tried to accept that it took place. But now, will it take place again? And how will I handle it if he lies to me again, and I find out? Will my Borderline fast train to self-destruction derail?

I hate this. I hate all of this doubt. I will never fully trust this man again. I have been with him for over six years. He enables and lies to avoid confrontation. I am sick of his behavior. He never seems to "get it." He just doesn't seem to care, and makes up all sorts of excuses and reasons. And he says he is in recovery. What recovery? My head is mis-firing all over the place. This sucks.

Pat on the Back

It's raining where I am, but I try to not let it bother my mood. I usually am a bit of a mirror for the weather. My joints feel the low pressures and dampness. If God waters my flowers, then my utility bill stays low.

Well, I am taught to give myself credit and pat myself on the back when I skillfully handle a situation. Two situations in the last 24 hours I have confronted with carefully measured words, and regulated and modulated tone of voice. Not my usual Modus Operandi. Setting boundaries as well as letting people know when they are making assumptions helps to smooth things out, clarify actions and intentions, and to hopefully not experience the same unpleasantry again. i have to remember: people don't usually like it when you put boundaries out them to be adhered to. People expect you to be co-dependent and bow to their wishes - especially if you have made mistakes with them in the past.

It has been my experience to hold things in, cop a resentment, and avoid that person, or passive-aggressively behave when around them. It has never worked for me when I did that. This is all new behavior for me. I am trying to apply what I have learned in DBT classes. That is not to say that I will not fall back into old way in a given situation that really sends me spinning. But if I practice and acquire skillful behaviors, they will come easier, when I really need to apply them. Have a Peaceful day.

Meaningfulness

Good Day. I trip through this day looking for the not-so-obvious meaning that lurks somewhere in my life. Meaning for my existence here on Earth. My disorder has created a lot of choas and havoc over the years, and I feel that does not lend itself to much credibility. I do have a lot of experience in making a mess of my life (and others'), but I have come through it too. I have made amends to many other people for the destructive path I have walked and dragged them with me during various segments of the journey.

I have to live with my Self-doubt, and Forgive myself. I have to continually choose to not beat up on myself for the pain that I have created in people's lives whom I have touched. I just stay in the Moment, and be Mindful of each minute of positive instances that I experience. It is so much easier to blog about this, than to practice it.

I have to try new and uncomfortable activities each day, if I am to continue to grow -- both, spiritually and emotionally. I guess this might be a good thing for all people to try. I HAVE to do it because my old ways do not work, and have never worked well for me. So, I push myself to get out of my daily rut. And you certainly can have one by my age. Try something new today. Good luck !

We Need More Therapists Specializing in BPD Treatments

Good Afternoon. A little while ago, I was online in a chat room specifically set up for people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. There is a facilitator/moderator and it is wonderful to augment the help that I am already receiving. It is within a huge site that deals with all mental health issues, and psychiatric disorders. I must never forget where I came from, because I can fall back into emotional reactions (and self-destructive behaviors) in the blink of an eye. I am especially grateful for being asked to share my journey with those who are interested. It helps to keep me on the right path as well. I am a very lucky person. I could have easily become a statistic of suicide or lethal self-harming behaviors before I learned how to deal with this disorder.

Help is out there. Online resources are available to help locate a therapist/psychiatrist who deals in Borderline Personality Disorder. There is stigma out there within the professional community - it is very difficult having a Borderline in treatment, because they appear that they are not getting better, receiving any effective treatment etc. etc. etc. I don't blame them. But where would I be if my DBT therapist gave up on me? Professionals: we need you to sharpen your skills and commitment to helping this emotionally draining subset of clients that are badly in need of therapy. You just may save a life. Thanks for all of you who do.

Mindfulness

Hello and Good Morning. I am trying to be very "mindful" of my environment and the positive things in my life. In DBT class (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) we were taught that to control our emotions from taking off on that "fast train to destruction"; we had to be almost hyper-vigilant on observing and assessing what we were feeling, seeing and experiencing - and hopefully view them in a realistic light. 

Many people walk around their lives, and are so pre-occupied with the situation to which they are rushing, or what they are about to do, or ruminating on an unpleasantry, that they never experience and appreciate the Present. And what are those people doing who are all talking on cell phones, as they drive, shop, walk their dogs or babies, or sit at their kids ballgames??? Their attention is focused on the conversation with the person on the cell phone, not on what they are doing. 

Being mindful helps me to cope with my emotions in dealing with the situation with which I am being a part of. We are "human BEINGS, not human DO-ERS." So, turn off your cellphones and Blackberries and allow yourself to fully be in the present. It's all we really have in life.

Practicing the Skill of G.I.V.E. - F.A.S.T.

Yesterday, I practiced the Interpersonal Effectiveness skill of Keeping the Relationship. I had lost sleep over an issue that I needed to iron out with a friend. I do not like confrontation. I realized it was "now or never" in having this talk. And I dreaded it.

(Be ) Gentle, (Act) Interested, Validate and (use an) Easy manner. G.I.V.E in dealing with the conversation with my friend yesterday. I also made sure that I did not jump to conclusions. I also had to hold to keeping my respect for myself. (be) Fair, (no) Apologies, Stick to values, (be) Truthful. F.A.S.T. I had to speak my Truth and hold to how I was feeling about an issue with this person.

And the good news is: using this skill was effective in having a positive outcome! YAY ME! It is a good tact to take in any unpleasant dealings with another person. I feel good. My impulse was to avoid this person. But, I knew that this wasn't showing that I had learned anything in DBT Skills group. So --- a Borderline triumph.

Worrying about Confrontation

Good morning. I woke up at 4:00am, worrying about a meeting with a friend later today. I am needing to bring up some inappropriate behaviors that have eaten on me for over a year. I do not like conflict, but I also find I am avoiding this person. They are unaware of what their behavior is doing to our relationship. So, I couldn't sleep. I am just going to have to face the situation and plow through it. She is very unstable right now, and probably will not handle this very well. Oh brother, I hate things like this. But, it is all in my attitude in how I walk into the meeting and conduct myself. Sometimes, I feel my emotions are immature. I have only had 20 years in dealing with appropriate actions on my part, and 5 of those being in Borderline recovery. Not much practice. What's the worst that can happen? They or I walk out in anger. The best outcome: the air be cleared between us, or at least from my standpoint. Thanks for listening.

Loss ! (a 4-letter word to a Borderline)

It's been a good couple of days. Just learning about my disorder of BPD, enjoying the summer, and trying to pick up the pieces from some fragmented situations going on right now in my life. A divorce, a separation, to relationship breakups of friends, the state of the Economy - why do these things impact me so? The deaths of Ed McMahon, Ferrah Fawcett, and icon Michael Jackson... gently rock my world, but doesn't rock me to sleep.

So many regrets - but I will not focus on them now. I will focus my attention on something else more pleasant.

OMG! I found out that my therapist is retiring in a year. I have been with her for over 5 years in Treatment (DBT), but not really aware of her commitment to my becoming whole until the last couple of weeks. So, with that acknowledgment, I guess that BPD has become a bit of a quest for me to enlighten lay people and professionals that it can no longer be ignored or avoided. It must be dealt with by everyone...because it is real. I am real. I have Borderline. Therefore, Borderline Personality Disorder is real. It is not going away.

Blogs help me understand me, and others to understand the workings of the blogger's mind.

Thought for the Day: I have tried for many years to love my Borderline mother. I am finding that forgiving her for having this disorder, and passing it on to me helps me to love her. I only realized this about 2 weeks ago. It's difficult. Life is difficult.

My Background - The Earlier Years

Hi. I am a Borderline who has volunteered to go public with my progress in recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I will give some info about me, yet wish to remain anonymous. I hope that is ok with you readers. I am a female. And I have a lot of Experience, Hope and Strength to share about my recovery. I do not consider myself "recover-ED". No way. A majority of my days can still be a struggle, and some not so much. I have lived through a lot of bad times, and some good times too.

I come from a childhood environment of a womanizing, drinking alcoholic father, and a histrionic, Borderline, Drama Queen mother. Both parents were prone to explosive anger, sullen depressions, abusive behavior toward my sibling and I, and each other. I was the firstborn. I was the apple of my father's eye until I reached puberty. I often bore his wrath at upsets in the family unit, and my brother was quiet and withdrawn. He has been known to say that he had no childhood, that all the attention was on myself. This was probably true.I started drinking in my teens, yet indulged in the Greek wines at my maternal grandparents' home. My father taught me that life should be celebrated with booze, and hard times and disappointments could also be softened with an alcoholic drink --- or 3.

My 1st marriage was to get out from under my parents' crazy environment at home. I was 19. I drank, was married, went to college and was a stepmom. I earned a Bachelor's of Science degree. That lasted 3 years. At the age of 23, I married a college professor of mine (widower), with 4 boys from 8 to 13 years younger than I. I went to graduate school, drank, was married, was unfaithful and earned an MBA. That lasted not quite 3 years.

At age 27, I was operating an Italian sports car of mine under the influence of Jack Daniels, and had a terrible accident that should have ended my life, or at least taught me a lesson. I fully recovered, had minor plastic surgery, and continued to drink. I met husband #3 at my workplace, and we moved in together, drank together and built a condo. We married when I was 31, and he went into alcohol treatment 3 weeks after we married. I attended treatment with him, and had to remain sober for 3 months. I was a bitch on wheels for those 3 months, until he was out of treatment.

He continued to stay sober, attended A.A. meetings, and I continued to drink. My career in commercial selling took off, and I was a high-producing sales person (top 20% of the salesforce).When I was 35, I somehow was gently led to A.A., and then into outpatient treatment. At 3 months of sobriety, my then-husband was 4 years sober, had no sponsor and attended few meetings. I divorced him, breaking the rule of not making any life-altering decisions in the 1st year of sobriety.

In Aftercare Treatment, I met another man who got sober 3 months before I did. We broke the rules and started dating. He had an anger problem...and I had a myriad of problems... all of which I ignored. He was also an ex-Meth user, and a brilliant man. We were both salespeople. It was a very chaotic time. He was a physical abuser, but we married when I was 39. Also, at that time, a therapist had diagnosed me with Multiple Personalities Disorder. There were about 7 personalities, and two were quite destructive.

I bought a house. I was either throwing him out of the house, or helping him move back in. Finally, I could not take it any longer. I called his Domestic Violence therapist and told him I was through and I wanted him out.I then hooked up with one of my customers that I sold computer products to and had for 7 years. We dated, moved in together and then married. At that time, things turned really sticky and dark in my life.

I had known a female in AA for about 5 years. I was attracted to her. I left my husband for her, and lived with her and the daughter in their house. I was still in touch with my husband (soon-to-be ex). The chaos mounted as my female partner started taking prescription drugs again, and obtained them illegally. The teenage daughter was a child from Hell, and very wild and uncontrollable.I had a nervous breakdown right after my 46th birthday. I had 5 inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations over the next 20 months. I also was in therapy at the time. My girlfriend and the therapist had an intervention to get me to move out of the house. I willingly went, and moved to my own apartment. The ex-girlfriend ended up in a prison for a year, and I was heart-broken.

I dated a couple of men, one was a recovered alcoholic. At that time, I was already 13 years sober. Then I met my current significant other. It was this man and a psychiatrist who aided in the pinpointing and diagnosing of my Borderline Personality Disorder. He read some books on the disorder, and my behavior and moods were quite erratic and unpredictable. I found a mental health facility about 12 miles from my home that offered Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills training for my Borderline diagnosis. I started attending classes twice weekly. Then, I was moved to a Women's Process Group, and attended for 4 years.

I, however, did try to keep getting employed. I worked as a part-time pet-sitter, a part-time pharmacy technician (this job lasted a year). But difficulty with personalities on the job, caused me to leave the job when I had landed another, working as a minister's administrative assistant. I "did not fit the admin mold" and only lasted 3 months. Human Resources wanted me to work 20 hours per week; the minister needed me for 50 hours. I was in a power tug-of-war. And I was fired, as I did not know where to place my loyalty.

That was a day from Hell. I went ballistic. I thought God had fired me himself. My boyfriend was on the phone to my therapist (DBT specialist) and she couldn't talk me down. The police were called, and 9 of them filed into our apartment. I had been slicing on my left arm, and I would not give up the sharp tool. They took me in handcuffs to the psychiatric ward of a nearby hospital. I was in there for 72 hours, involuntarily. I was released back into the world on hurt, pain, shame and unemployment.

After 10 weeks later, I was hired as a part-time administrative assistant for a staffing company that was losing ground in the industry. The guy who ran the place was an 80+ year old, geeky slime-ball. The young girl I worked with was great. They had pared back the staff. I made it about 8 weeks and was let go. He didn't think I was happy there. I wasn't. I was under-employed and looking for things to stay busy during my hours there. An absolute disappointment.

Then about 5 months later, I was hired as an Administrative Ass't/Customer Service person back in the industry where I sold commerically for about 20 years. I loved the work, the people, the place, the pace. Then, what blew me away was the fact that 16 workdays into the job I was let go. They didn't think I was a good fit. No warning. It was a small, family-owned business for 3 generations, and I just don't think they wanted to pay me the salary I hired in at. It was a bitter disappointment, and I was lost. And depressed. Very depressed.

I self-treated my depression by taking St. John's Wort. Big mistake. It lowered my blood pressure dangerously, and I fell and cracked a rib. Then I strained my back. My doctor put me on Paxil. It turned me into a monster. Taken off hormones for good, a few family skirmishes, losing a friend over an unpleasant and embarrassing situation for HER, unemployed, unhappy, depressed and physcially uncomfortable -- I struggled with suicidal thoughts daily. I was hanging by a thread. I was withdrawing from the world. I did not want to live. The DBT skills were not saving me. My sobriety was not in jeopardy, but why stay sober? I was in perpetual pain. I had no drive, no purpose, no meaning. I was hanging by a tether.