New Year's Struggles

Happy New Year. I made it through the holidays....but with a lot of tears, angst and unhappiness. Continuing to grapple with an estate belonging to my newly-widowed, befuddled mother, and step-children chomping at the bit to make all sorts of difficulties for her. Greedy, self-righteous, pentecostal, religious hypocrites.

I struggle. It never seems to get easier. One foot in front of the other. Doing the next right thing. Letting go, and grabbing on for survival from self-destruction. Meetings, classes, meditation group, therapy. When will I ever graduate?

I pray and meditate. Life shouldn't be such a struggle. And to have to admit to myself that I CHOSE this Life's path. Amen.

The Devil Walks to Earth, and I have Seen Evidence of him.

Hello. I have made it through the last 3+ weeks, with more stress than I have ever imagined possible. Mom's returned from her trip, and all the undoings of the mess her husband died and left her in....is almost in insurmountable nightmare. I had to get a lawyer. Blocked all phone calls from family. There is so much meanness, dishonesty, cruelty in my stepfather's family towards my mother that I never thought it was possible to come from people who profess themselves to be devout Christians. I am changing out all the players in the financial area who have contributed to this fiasco. They all appeared to be in clandestine collaboration. My mother is holding together by a thead. I am now her Power/Medical power of attorney, have access to everything, and make all final decisions for her. Not that she is incapacitated...because she does not have a business mind, nor does she remember things accurately. When she and her huband married, my Mother has 75% of the wealth. When her husband died, he had 85% of the wealth. Where did her money do? How did he acquire so much wealth as a retired person? We have uncovered so much lies, deceipt and shady transactions...all uknown to my mother. I feel God is testing me, and my abilities in recovery. So, I guess I am up to it. My life has been living, breathing, and working on this situation. I am eating and sleeping right, and meditating when I can. But, I have NEVER been through anythinglike this in my lifetime. Ever. I cried thru Christmas Eve service. I feel so much sadness for my family. I feel that the weight of the world is on me. This too shall pass. I need a lot of prayers.

Seasonal Sadness

Hello BPD Interested Persons. My topic today is about "seasonal sadness". Most of us are dealing with it whether we want to admit it or not. Expectations rule the season of cheer, giving, receiving, sharing, providing, and shaming. Why? It is a time when most families get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas--where maybe they have not the other times of the year. Family dynamics come into play. The roles of many years ago, while we were residing with our families of origin, re-surface, and we fall into these old roles like falling into a sodium pentothal haze right before surgery.

For me this year, well.....it was worse than that. My stepfather died at the beginning of November. He was a good man to my mother, but showed his disdain for me with my Borderline, emotional moments, rocky life, and battle with addiction (which ended 23 years ago when I got sober!) The verbal abuse I put up with and my mother allowed the last couple of years of his life were unforgiveable. The add insult to injury, he had spewed his poison onto his adult children, my age. In the few days before his death, and up to and during the day of his funeral, one adult child in particular displayed scenes in the hospital, at the funeral and at my mother's home: insulting her, shaming me, and nobody, I mean NOBODY, stopping it. Immeasurable damage had and occurred. I have never seen such un-Christian behavior from someone who calls herself to others "a Sister in Christ", and delivers such barbs of hurt in the next breath. And I as a Borderline, trying to keep it all together, keep my mother afloat, and taking care of immediate business. My brother has shut me out, my mother locked me out and I sit in my pain. I reach out to therapists, meditation group, sponsor, and 12-step meetings. I just want to make sure that I have not be part of the grave errors and mass destruction that occurred the month of November. Then I had 2 more funerals to attend two weeks later. That wasn't easy either. One was a drug/alcohol-related death. They're never easy to witness. "There but for the Grace of God go I. Amen"

I am doing the best I can. I stayed sober. However, I did self-harm after amost 4 years of not falling into this behavior. I almost stuck a knife into myself. Sometimes, the Borderline trait of having no emotional skin and feeling like I am "covered with 3rd-degree burns" is too much to bear. Somehow, with the DBT skills, I will get through this, maybe even make the best of the holidays.

Why do things seem to fall apart at the end of the year? I am thankful that I have recovery tools to use to help me through. Tools that help me plant seeds of happiness; not tools to dig my own grave. More later.

Changing Seasons (Summer's Over) :-(

Hello again. It is definitely Fall in the Midwest. The weather is cooler, damper, rainy, dreary and the Colts are going to have a terrible season (more than likely). It is a time for change in a lot of things: heavier clothing, drab colors, and the upcoming HOLIDAYS. Who in their right mind thinks about the holidays this soon? (I do) I try to stay in the present, and not anticipate something that is a possible downer.

Staying busy is important. Staying productive and doing something worthwhile gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment. This is very important to me. I try to be creative. There is good in everything, and if I want it to be summer all the time...I should move to the tropics. Since that is not going to happen, I try to like what I have where I am.

Taking care of my body and physical well-being is a must. It can be a time where the aches and pains flair up. Plenty of exercise, vitamins, and water. No junk food. It can be a time of relapsing if suffering from an addiction. Make sure that your recovery program is in good working order. Time to keep putting into our spiritual banks. This is the time of year when it is so easy to "overdraw" the account when you least expect it.

I will try to stay tuned more frequently as we get frost on the pumpkins!

Changes

Changes are upon me. Life is fragile. Life is frail. 3 people in my life have been diagnosed with cancer. One is "cured"....two are unknown. Radiation and chemo are the treatments at the present. I myself was rushed to the hospital last week via ambulance. They thought I was having a heart attack. Two MRI's and a chest x-ray later...a hiatal hernia. I THOUGHT something was amiss. I have all the symptoms. And my pulse rate was only 40-43bpm. Taking too much Toprol. I felt like the quality of my life had really slipped to sub-zero.

I am glad I am back on the road to better health. I am still at the gym 5 days per week, trying to staying limber and fit.

My meditation book on addictions and Borderline Personality Disorder is completed. I am waiting for the 1st copy of it to come in the mail. I am excited. I have been working hard. It's been a very, VERY hot season this summer. I know that the winter will banish the memories of this scorching season. The economy is a mess, and some many people I know are going through personal problems right now. I pray for them that their discomfort eases up.

Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things to do on a daily basis. I know.

Unnerving

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems......" (from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous). I found out last week that my DBT instructor is leaving the company where I receive mental health services. Supposedly, they are going to replace him. But, that's what they said about the DBT therapist who retired last July 2010...and didn't. "People lie," says Dr. Gregory House from the TV series. Even non-Borderlines.

Also, am doing a 4th step this week in preparation of giving a 5th Step to my sponsor next Friday. This is also a bit unnerving as well. I went to a funeral Friday, and saw in-laws from over 20 years ago. THAT was a bit unnerving too, but it went well. I found out a few days ago that my (unknowing and unintentional) actions caused a breach of confidentiality. Boy, that realization was a bit humbling. I had to write a letter and apologize to the person involved.

Life happens. We have choices. We make mistakes. We decide to recover from addictions. Or not. We look closely at ourselves to see where we have been wrong. I didn't drink, spaz-out, have a Borderline "moment" or cut myself. I seemed to take it all in stride. Thank the Lord we only are dealt the days of our lives "one day at a time." I couldn't handle all the trauma-drama at once.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully, it will be sane, sober and above ground.

Emotional Hangover 4-21-11

Emotionally, I am hungover. The last 5 days have been emotional turmoil over dealing with the extended family. My therapist wants me to start attending Al-Anon. DBT Group, AA meeting, AA workshop, therapy, meditation group and now add Al-Anon. Sometimes, it just seems like I spend so many of my waking hours on self-improvement or maintenance of my spiritual condition. I'm still trying to get my meditation book published. My mother's birthday is tomorrow. Her husband is very dysfunctional. I cannot be around him any longer. A face-to-face with the 4 of us brought no positive results. Only a half-assed promise to mind his "p's" and "q's". He said I "didn't have a life". He told me I controlled his household. I did not feel good afterwards. He called the meeting to (I thought) make things better. They only solidified in my mind that he was a jerk, said inappropriate things to me and didn't care what problems he caused. He calls himself a religious person. I don't want any part of it.

And the other side of the family: brutal words came from the mother of the grandchildren. No attempt to modify her actions, tone, affect or choice of words. I wanted to disappear in the floor. I just wanted it to be over. She actually extricated an "amends" from me for something I didn't do. I was only protecting myself by given her want she wanted. I hated myself afterwards, and have continued to feel like I was raped all week. It's hell if I do and hell if I don't. I have been suicidal. I have wanted to cut myself. I went to DBT group and therapy. I was told I needed to take better care of myself. That could mean stay away.