Lessons Learned and Endured

Good afternoon. It is almost September, and it has been an eye-opening summer. However, therapy is really helping, the mental and physical pain are at an all-time low, and I seem to have a little bit of hope. But I continue to struggle with emotionality. I have a tool-basket full of tools. I know what to do when things in my brain get out of control....but I am so tired of always having to stay one step ahead of myself in keeping the "runaway train from jumping off the track". 

I guess it could be a lot worse. I could be immersed in an addiction. Or have diabetes. Or breast cancer. Or live on the streets. I have the biggest trouble with my ruminating. About my life.

Past - Present - and Future. I am waking up at 3:00am, lying there in a semi-conscious state for about 3 hours, falling back into a troubled sleep, and not wanting to get out of bed until about 10:00am. And THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME.

I have been reunited with an old friend, after a 20-year estrangement. I am grateful about that. But the family Trauma-Drama. No way will I be able to swallow that for much longer. And I cannot do anything about it. I can't change it or cure it. But I do live with how it affects my significant other. It comes out in negative energy. Don't get me started. I'll talk your ears off.

I'll talk again when I am in a better space. Maybe tonight.

Let's Talk Medicines

Good evening. I want to talk about pain and depression and mental illness. It is a know fact that there is widespread physical pain that can accompany mental illness, depression, and other physical ailments such as fibromylgia, arthritis, restless leg syndrome etc. etc. etc. Sometimes, some prescribed medications are for one condition, and can actually be another benefit to the patient. For example, Wellbutrin (Budeprion XL) is a wel-known anti-depressant. It works well for a lot of people. Another side-benefit: it will definitely contribute greatly to the efforts of anyone who wants to stop smoking. Another side benefit: it can help you lose weight. But Wellbutrin doesn't work for everyone in the anti-depressant arena.

My benefit: I was put on Cymbalta about 2.5 months ago. I was experiencing a lot of non-specific pain. I was a mental/emotional mess at the time. My arthritis was kicking up. My hot flashes were out of control, as I was taken off Premarin in February of this year. Well, guess what? Pain is down to about 5% of what it was, and I do not have the debilitating hot flashes.

I then discovered Flexa-min Triple Strength with Bone Shield in a magazine ad for joint pain, stiffness. Another major problem of mine. And I ain't that old! I work out at a gym, eat right, don't drink, don't smoke and do all I can to stay fit. I had tried all the supplements, Glucosamine, Chondroitin (in many forms), herbs etc. The pain was always with me. I would sit at a restaurant for a hour, and get up to use the Ladies' Room. I would really try to straighten up and walk without a grimace, as the pain in my body was unbearable until I got moving again. And after the gym workouts? Muscles, bones, joints everything would stiffen up like concrete.

It was just plain AWFUL!!!!! Talk about "quality of life" !!!!! Honest. I don't get paid one cent for endorsing these 2 meds. But they sure have been an answer to my prayers in the way of pain, depression, hot flashes, stiff/achy joints, non-specific pain, some mild OCD, and impulsivity. If you are at the end of your rope in some of these areas, it may not hurt to try something new. Both of these meds (Cymbalta is prescribed, Flexa-min is over-the-counter) are new to my body since May 2009 and July 2009. There is no motivator like pain!!!! :-)

A Child's Mental Illness & Parental Anger

I am filled with upset at an incident that happened yesterday. While waiting for my boyfriend to bring our ice cream out to an outside eating area at a restaurant, I had the unwanted opportunity of watching a father throw his young daughter into his van and beat her. I mean he was shaking her, spanking her, and punching at her. I know what I saw. What a monster. OMG! What had she done to deserve that? I just froze. Never again. I will run to confront a similar situation and try to stop it in progess. His "reason" to us: "oh, she's bi-polar." ...like that is a plausible reason to do what he did. The girl was 8 years old. My boyfriend warned him about doing what he did. Five minutes later, I called the police and reported it. Two cop cars met up, and we told them what happened. I hope this father gets his head screwed on right. This really shook me up. I had flashbacks to all the beatings from my own alcoholic father. No one listened to me at the time. No one stood up in my behalf. The abuse of children has got to stop. Beating someone is no way to cope with a child's mental illness, and just causes trauma to the child. Yes, I am dysregulated right now. It will pass. Thanks for letting me vent.

Radical Acceptance

Sorry. I have been busy trying to lead an emtionally-regulated life. And some days are better than others. For instance, the mother of my stepchildren. Now that is a bitch on wheels, pardon my French. She has not sense of modifying her voice to a comfortable decibel range. She HAS to have the last word, and she has to comment on everything...giving her opinion when nobody asks. She has caused scenes, and dressed me down in front of a 3 and 5 year old. Her reason: Because an innocent victim she know got killed in a drive-by and it was the day of the funeral, and she was upset. Come to find out he was a 1) drug dealer 2) he had gotten beat up and nearly killed several years ago. Hmmmm. My sympathy went out the window for her and him. 

The good thing: I held my tongue (to preserve the relationship). But at the expense of my self-esteem. No more. The quandry: where to draw the line. When to keep quiet? When to speak up? When to make a real loud noise at an injustice?

Because my significant other felt some family members had to be told of my disorder, they now use it against me. He was just being co-dependent; he wanted his family to "like me." Some are actively involved in drugs and alcohol in an addiction sense. The rest of them are in denial of the addicts. Recovery is hard - especially when you are trying to adjust to a new life, that is against a lot of peoples' way of doing things. Why can't I just recover? Why do they have to say invalidating statements to me? I have to just accept them the way they are, and steer clear of them. No, I would never waste my time in trying to carry the message of sobriety and recovery to them. Maybe I would if they asked. But they are causing trouble in our lives, and are trying to drag me down with them. I have had to place sturdy boundaries around myself. Even when it comes to my significant other. I do not like confrontation. I like the easier, softer way. Standing up for myself is hard, when there are few people who see things through sober eyes, and have no clue about looking at their own part in disagreements.

This is very hard because my anger and impulsity rear their ugly heads when knocking heads with these people. They are so unkind. "Do No Harm" I have always tried to live my life by these last several years. Over and over and over again, I have lessons placed before me to see if I have learned anything. Yes, I have learned how to conduct myself. No, I don't always want to do the right thing. I want to get even for hurt bestowed upon me or those close to me. I struggle with this daily.

I am a Borderline, therefore I struggle when I do not remember to use the DBT skills. Sometimes, I even struggle when I do. Thanks for listening.

Dysregulating Trauma-Drama

Good Morning. I have been reading more about Borderline Personality Disorder this week. I have focused on the statistics of suicide and self-harm. These are very hard to accept, but there is something that can be done to insure that I do not become a statistic.

1) I identify when things are not "quite right" with me.

2) I try not to make any important decisions at this time.

3) I use a skill or skills to try to combat the mood.

4) I try to figure out what I can do to avoid a similar situation, or a repeat of what sent me into a spiral.

I can avoid hurting someone's feelings if I just try to figure out why I am in a funk. And this can be done. It is skillful to NOT just have a "knee-jerk" reaction to something that comes into my awareness, and to handle it unlike a 3-year old having a small tantrum. And that is my nature. That is what I have done all my life, if my brain mis-fires and my emotions get out of control.

It is of paramount importance to stay quieted, or to calm myself. Distress Tolerance, I believe it is called. It is a DBT skill. More later. We are having a storm. (Pause) The storm (outside) is over, but the storm inside a Borderline only rests before the next raging torrent of emotions. This is what treatment hopes to accomplish. To reduce the severity and intensity of the storms, and to show how to bring on and prolong the "calms".

A Borderline's brain never stops ruminating. It takes strong, determination and A LOT OF MINDFULNESS EXERCISES to quiet "Emotional Mind" into a "Wise Mind" Mode. Peace.