Where is Nirvana?

Good Morning. It is a beautiful Fall day. Cool mornings. 80 degree afternoons. I am using the DBT skills sometimes. I just can't re-direct the impulses. I can't do it. It is emotionally, mentally impossible. I have tried every skill. I just cannot SOMETIMES calm myself. I have lived with an unbearable family situation. I have been called "nut" and sworn to by a daughter-in-law of my significant other. I did not deserve it, nor did any of my actions call for it. My significant other is "making" me put up with it. I have no self-esteem. I am beat down. I struggle for daily existence without cutting myself. There is no peace. I want to run away. I have a mental illness. That is professionally certified by the United States government. I do not have anything to offer that is real uplifting today. It is what it is. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Signing off.

Here We Go Again

Good Evening. Another storm diffused. We have a continuing family issue going on. Drugs, alcohol, anger, rages, disrespect, abuse. Now, grandchildren are being "withheld" from my significant other and I, because we set a boundary and had a guideline for the exchange of the grandchildren, and the mother would not abide when all was said and done. Well, it's been 4 weeks since we've seen them. My SOP says that my therapist and I should have never tried to put in place a boundary and agreement for the exchange of the children. In other words: we should have never pissed the mother off. It is our fault! Imagine that! Talk about back-pedaling when something doesn't work out, and blame the initiator of the boundary for things not working out! So much for sobriety and sanity. Twenty years of sobriety, and still having a tough time dealing with immense dysfunction. 

I had to call my therapist. She had to talk me down. She says the most important thing is to get calmed down. I want to solve the problem that has been dragging on since March 2009. No one is going to change. I have gotten emotionally involved with these kids, and I wish I hadn't. Their grandfather is doing nothing. I have asked him, "how much dysfunction will you tolerate before you put your foot down and say 'no more!'" He said, "I don't know my breaking point." 

He blames me for being Borderline. He can show unhappiness and upset; when I do, I am an "acting out Borderline". That is not fair, not at all. I am not my diagnosis. I am a person with feelings, and emotions about intolerable situations. Because this is HIS FAMILY, he minimizes things. Yes, it is really bad. His son is a drug addict, an alcoholi and a porn addict (according to his wife). What a sicko! And all us Borderlines get the bad publicity. It doesn't seem fair. Nor right.

So, I am unregulated tonight. But I am distracting myself...one of the DBT skills. Peace.

Sluggish and Nervous

Hello. It is sunny here today, and very warm. I try to catch the last few rays of summer sun and Vitamin D before the Fall/Winder doldrums set in. I have been sitting out in the sun and reading a book on natural health remedies and taking notes. I have been having trouble getting up in the mornings...why, I do not know. I don't want to face the world. I feel uncertain about my life. I feel aimless and purposeless. I feel that I do not matter, when I know I do. I am reading so much about mental illness. I feel that my medication is not doing its job anymore, or its effect is lessening.

I have to give a talk on addictions tonight. No, I am not nervous about that. I guess I just need someone to talk to about this. There are not many people who are open and authentic about their feelings, and I just do not enjoy trying to converse with them. I try to stay busy, to be of service to someone, even if it is my significant other. He is my best friend, I guess. I can talk to him up to a point.

I'm rambling, I know. But if I sign off from here, I feel as if I will disappear ! Isn't that silly? Does anyone else feel like that sometimes. Signing off, Perplexed