When a Therapist Retires ~ by the Webmaster of BPD Website

My therapist is retiring, in less than two months. I've known that this was coming for a couple of years. This slow realization having reached my present has run me through a vast assortment of emotions. How can I go on? Will I stay centered? Will I fall apart? Will I go into depression? Will I have an episode? Will she miss me? The answers: I will. Yes. No. No. No. Probably-Yes.

Okay, now that we have covered that...on to the next topic....! Wait!!! You want me to elaborate? Maybe I should. It has not been that easy in processing. But I will try. 

I went through several weeks of some real struggling in dealing with my emotions...some quite infantile in nature. But I am not an infant...not even close. I have been in Borderline treatment for 6 years. I have been in addiction recovery for almost 21 years. I know about denial, pain, complacency, regret, fear, resentment and appreciation. I know how important it is for me to label situations, and to include these facets as distinct from each other within them. I also have the Twelve Steps and the DBT Skills. 

It took a Fifth Step recently to pull out of me several very unnerving emotions about the unanswered questions I am having right now, and the alarmingly slow unfolding of my life at this current time. A newer treatment of Borderline is the concept of Mentalization. I have used it in my recent dealing with some personal issues, where I couldn't get any perspective. I thought, 'maybe I should mentalize in this situation as well.' ~~ to mentalize this situation from another vantage point, namely hers. And I did.

My therapist is a person, with wants, needs, uncertainties, cautiousness, fears of her unknown retirement (I am sure). Her pattern of the workday, work-week, months, seasons and years will not be marked with 9-5 Monday-Fridays any longer. Meetings, clients, seminars, classes will become a vague memory. I used to think, "how can she not want to be involved with this every-changing world of mental health and recovery and helping others?" 

Well, she can and will. My sponsor says that I have to give everyone the dignity of having their own journey. My therapist was not put on this earth to only be a mentor to me...it is not all about me. She must live her life, travel along her path, learn Life's lessons, move through all the stages that her life presents to her. She was given that gift and beginning of a journey when she was born. Even though she has given so much to others in helping them deal with this horrific disorder, she is now to look to a time where she can give to her own growth and happiness. She has earned a rest, and a new vocation (whatever that may be). And that vocation may just be to be.

I have often thought, 'if I could just borrow her brain for a bit, and absorb all of the knowledge that she has acquired in all the years in her field of mental health and all the experiences.' Hmmm. I would be asking to live a re-run of part of her life, and that is not mine to do. I have my own movie to star in, and possibly win an award or two. Or at least an Honorable Mention. 

She has left a major footprint on my heart and soul. My "need" for her is about completed. Things are winding down and closing off. From this ending is coming a new life in me. One of hope. She will find her way, and I will continue to find mine in recovery. I need her as a mentor. But I "need" this, and not "want" it. My ego does not want my therapist as a friend to coffee klatch. But, there is no un-paid karmic debt here. She owes me nothing. However, the need to still have spiritual contact with her is strong with me. I do not understand it, but it's there. If it is God's Will that she be in my life, and if it is for each of our Higher Good---then it will happen. 

I will miss her Graciousness, her Calm and her Humility. 

Now, how's that for processing with a "good outcome"?

Breathing In I Calm Myself.....

Good Morning. It is sunny where I in on this earth and in this room. I find that I can think clearly, feel relaxed, have a list of things that I want to do, but all I need to do is breathe. I am reading a book that is teaching me the advantages of meditating. To reduce stress, control pain, bring a state of peaceful mind and to live Life mindfully and fully. But I need to give background on the last sevearl months of my life.

I planned a birthday party for my mother. It was a big event with a caterer, a DVD of either decades of her life in pictures, a playlist of 40's-50's-60's music, great food, a program that honored her (and roasted her too) and friends and family all around that let her know how important she had been and continues to be to them. I was a moment in Heaven, and I enjoyed watching her utter enjoyment of the entire occasion. It has breathed new life into her. At the same time, when it was over, I realized how much I had 'lived and breathed' the planning of this party. I was glad for the opportunity to execute it...and I was glad when it was successfully behind me.

People have asked me what I was going to do with all the free time that I now would have after having my time consumed by this party. I told them that I would do the things that came to me to do, now that I had this huge hurtle behind me. Some harsh realizations came to me as I looked at the immediate months ahead. My DBT-trained therapist was retiring in early summer, and I was in a 12-Step workshop and at the point where I needed to take a personal inventory.

I wish I was embroiled in another huge project, where I could totally distract myself.

I have realized how much I had been searching for something (a philosophy, a discipline, a practice) that would augment and deepen my understanding of Life, its trials, my journey and my wondering where it will take me. I have attempted some investigating of the Buddhist beliefs and practices. My progress has been slow...yet I feel a shift is in progress inside of me. The scariness of being cut adrift from my therapeutic anchor is being tempered with 'I am exactly where I need to be.' When all else fails, go back to the basics in my 12-Step Program's doctrine and slogans. 

As tired as I have mentally been, I have been insomniatic at night. I think, I do little ruminating, I meditate and I pray....to at least guide my dreams (once asleep) to be of some calming exercise. A fair amount of the time, I am taken back to times and places where I do not wish to re-visit. I have no choice when I sleep. I awaken to a new day. And remind myself....

"All I have to do is breathe, and be mindful of everything around me as I breathe in and out. Until later.