Okay Okay. I know how tumultuous a time it has been for me, and I apologize for not keeping you in on the loop. My therapist has been drumming into me that I CAN control my impulses and my mental and emotional reactions. She just doesn't understand about the runaway train of emotions when it takes off at neck-break speed. Maybe I didn't pay attention in Skills group. I feel like a failure. I feel like my recovery is a fraud. Why can't I get this.
I am seriously considering leaving my boyfriend of over 6 years. All we do is deal with my episodes and then his dysthymia kicks into action. The last episode had me wielding a knife and just going berserk! Why? Because I wasn't being validated. My feelings were being not acknowledged. There is nothing that set me off so fast and furiously. My buttons are pushed, the train takes off and self-soothing or distracting are the farthest from my mind. It scared me and scared him. Though, he is reading more and more books about BPD and Non's, and is learning to take care of himself better ---but he is s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o co-dependent. I am worn out. Do I throw in the towel? Practice the Skills harder, better, more earnestly?????????????? What? Help me out here. Ever see "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" That's us. Jesus.
My God has forsaken me. But I can't really believe that....but it feels like it. God help me and those who love me.
(signed) The Worst Borderline There Ever Was
P.S. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day
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