Good Morning. I have been spending in inordinate amount of time on the computer. Researching. Journaling. Learning. Trying to understand. My therapist says "I am not my diagnosis." I beg to differ. Almost everything I do-say-think is done so in the manner as a Borderline would act. Part of my personality is made up of my Borderline tendencies. They have been with me all of my life. I have learned the skills of how to curtail the behaviors....but what if the train jumps track before I even know what's happening?
Borderline is largely a reflex. A conditioned response. To stop and think slowly through the process of acting differently (more appropriately) is something I continue to struggle with. Unless, I have just been beat up repeatedly (in my head) and am worn out. I then realize that I DO HAVE OTHER OPTIONS. I do not have to feel BEAT UP by "things", people, situations, words, deeds, conversations. But what damage my Borderline disorder doesn't do, my low self-esteen takes over the job of running me into the ground. It's lonely on the ground, but people have no exprectations from you when you are there--flat on your face on the ground. People look for some other "winner", pretty face, successful person, published author, noted speaker, rich philanthropist, or world leader to gaze loveingly upon, and place faith in.
I embarrass my mother. She doesn't say this, but when I offer to help a friend who has a small business to advertise for her on the internet....my mother quickly says, "oh, I'm sure she has someone doing that for her." Never an encouragement. Never a "yes! you could ask them and see what they say!" No validation. No encouraging words. Only the fact that she doesn't want to be embarrassed by me to others. So, I sit by myself and hope that my sharing can help others. And I'll never know. But there is the possibility..... I might find a bit of purpose in helping an "unknown society" out there on the internet. Never give up hope.
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