Good Morning. It is sunny where I in on this earth and in this room. I find that I can think clearly, feel relaxed, have a list of things that I want to do, but all I need to do is breathe. I am reading a book that is teaching me the advantages of meditating. To reduce stress, control pain, bring a state of peaceful mind and to live Life mindfully and fully. But I need to give background on the last sevearl months of my life.
I planned a birthday party for my mother. It was a big event with a caterer, a DVD of either decades of her life in pictures, a playlist of 40's-50's-60's music, great food, a program that honored her (and roasted her too) and friends and family all around that let her know how important she had been and continues to be to them. I was a moment in Heaven, and I enjoyed watching her utter enjoyment of the entire occasion. It has breathed new life into her. At the same time, when it was over, I realized how much I had 'lived and breathed' the planning of this party. I was glad for the opportunity to execute it...and I was glad when it was successfully behind me.
People have asked me what I was going to do with all the free time that I now would have after having my time consumed by this party. I told them that I would do the things that came to me to do, now that I had this huge hurtle behind me. Some harsh realizations came to me as I looked at the immediate months ahead. My DBT-trained therapist was retiring in early summer, and I was in a 12-Step workshop and at the point where I needed to take a personal inventory.
I wish I was embroiled in another huge project, where I could totally distract myself.
I have realized how much I had been searching for something (a philosophy, a discipline, a practice) that would augment and deepen my understanding of Life, its trials, my journey and my wondering where it will take me. I have attempted some investigating of the Buddhist beliefs and practices. My progress has been slow...yet I feel a shift is in progress inside of me. The scariness of being cut adrift from my therapeutic anchor is being tempered with 'I am exactly where I need to be.' When all else fails, go back to the basics in my 12-Step Program's doctrine and slogans.
As tired as I have mentally been, I have been insomniatic at night. I think, I do little ruminating, I meditate and I pray....to at least guide my dreams (once asleep) to be of some calming exercise. A fair amount of the time, I am taken back to times and places where I do not wish to re-visit. I have no choice when I sleep. I awaken to a new day. And remind myself....
"All I have to do is breathe, and be mindful of everything around me as I breathe in and out. Until later.
No comments:
Post a Comment